PSA: There Are No “Bad Guys”

5 tips to see the little kid inside the person driving you nuts right now.

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Today's newsletter is about one of the most destructive thinking patterns I see in my coaching practice (and in the world)…

“Good Guy, Bad Guy” Thinking

I keep watching smart, well-intentioned people get completely stuck because they've turned someone in their life into a villain.

Maybe it's their spouse, their boss, or that neighbor who never picks up their dog's poop. Whoever it is, they’ve labeled this person as “the bad guy”. There’s no more empathy. No more solution-oriented thinking. No more connection. No more attempts at understanding.

The problem?

It’s a myth. It’s faulty thinking. Twisted logic.

There are no bad guys.

We like to think this way because it’s easy. Our brains crave simplicity and clarity, so we create structures to categorize people. Sometimes the easiest way to explain away behavior we don’t like is just to decide, “They’re a fundamentally bad person.”

Simple as that.

But is that actually true?

Are some people just inherently bad? Born evil? Destined to be the villains in our lives? No. Especially not the person who simply forgot their doo-doo bags on their dog walk today. Especially not the person honking at us in traffic. Especially not the spouse you committed to for life.

The real problem with “good guy, bad guy” thinking is that it keeps us from finding the real problem.

How you define the problem determines how you find the solution.

If you define the problem as, "My spouse is just a bad guy," you have nowhere to go. Think about it. What are your options? You either escape from the villain through divorce or you play the tragic hero where you stay and wait for them to change.

Are those the options you want?

If not, you need a different diagnosis of the problem so you can find actual solutions.

Here’s what I recommend…

Stop Viewing Them as the Bad Guy. Start Seeing Them as the Little Kid.

Instead of viewing them as the bad guy, recognize that every person was once a little kid just trying to get their needs met.

Guess what? They're still that little kid. He’s still in there. She’s still in there. That little kid is just hidden in an adult body now. When someone frustrates you, you’re not seeing malicious behavior from a terrible person. You’re seeing a wounded kid trying to solve problems the only way they learned how.

When you can see people this way everything changes.

5 Tips to See the Little Kid Underneath the “Bad Guy”

Tip #1: Connect to Their Inherent Value

It's amazing the things we'll say about adults that we would never say about babies.

When we see a baby or a little kid, all we see is their inherent value. We love them simply because they exist. But somewhere along the way, we stop extending this basic worth to people as they age. Here's what I want you to remember: if you understand the Primal Question, you know we're all just adults walking around trying to use kid logic to solve our problems.

You getting angry isn’t going to help them get their need met.

Tip #2: Remember When You Were That Kid

Think about your own Primal Question and when you first got that imprint.

What was it like for you to not have your Apex Emotional Need met when you were young? What is it like today when your need goes unmet? How do you feel? How do you react? I guarantee you've done things in your Scramble that other people thought were crazy or unreasonable. But to you, it made perfect sense because you were trying to survive.

This is exactly what's happening with the person who's driving you nuts right now.

Tip #3: Check If They're Answering Your Primal Question With a "No"

Here's something most people miss:

When someone rubs us the wrong way, it often has little to do with the other person.

It has everything to do with our Primal Question being triggered. Are they answering your Primal Question with a "no"? Are they sending you into your Scramble without even realizing it? Sometimes the person we're calling a "bad guy" is just someone who accidentally stepped on our deepest wound.

Before you label them, ask yourself what they're triggering in you.

Tip #4: Answer Your Own Primal Question With a "Yes"

Remember that you're not that little kid anymore.

You're a grown adult with power, resources, and agency.

People can trigger your Scramble, but nobody has the power to keep you there. Instead of waiting for them to change or hoping they'll finally "get it," lead yourself into your Primal Truth. When you answer your own question with a resounding "yes," you're no longer at the mercy of everyone else's behavior.

You become the author of your own emotional state.

Tip #5: Try Answering Their Question With a "Yes"

What if instead of yelling at people, posting about them online, or gossiping behind their backs, we tried something different?

What if we looked at that "difficult" person and asked ourselves, "What's their Primal Question, and how could I answer it with a yes?" Instead of becoming another person who hurts them, what if we became someone who helps heal their deepest wound? I'm not saying you have to fix everyone or become a doormat.

But imagine the world we'd create if more people became healers instead of adding salt to wounds.

Action Item:

Who in your life are you viewing as a “bad guy”?

• It could be your wife.

• It could be your boss.

• It could be your ex.

• It could be your neighbor.

Whoever it is. Get curious, “I wonder what their Primal Question is?”

Maybe they are just trying to feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, successful, good enough, or like they matter. Maybe they’ve felt that way since they were 7. Maybe this is the only way they’ve ever known to get their need met.

Maybe they need a healthy adult to answer their Primal Question with a yes.

To your growth,

Mike Foster

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