“I need my husband back.”

How 3 sessions of Primal Question Coaching helped my client get unstuck in his life and leadership.

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

If this is your first time reading, subscribe to join 67k+ growth-minded friends who read along each week.

Today, I want to tell you the story of…

How My Client Got Unstuck in 3 Sessions (After a 5-Year Rut)

2 months ago, I started working with a new client (let’s call him Simon).

Simon reached out to me because, after a long season of being “off his game”, his wife said some sobering words. For 5 years, he hadn’t felt like himself. He felt off. Like he was in some sort of rut that was impacting his leadership, his self-worth, and even his marriage.

That’s because 5 years ago, he made a leadership mistake that left a mark on his life he couldn’t figure out how to erase.

Eventually, his wife voiced what she had been silently wondering, “Where did you go? I need my husband back.”

Before understanding this event, I needed to get a sense of Simon’s childhood to figure out his Primal Question. Suffice it to say, Simon grew up in a family where the primary message was unspoken, yet loud and clear: Everything needs to be okay.

It doesn’t matter if things aren’t okay; you need to be okay.

No surprise, his Primal Question is #6: Am I Good Enough?

The gift of this question is that they become Value Creators.

When you’re hard-wired for seeking your own worth, you develop X-ray vision for spotting value where no one else can. This gift helped Simon become a very successful man. He owns multiple franchises in the food-service industry and does well for himself.

However, his Primal Question is also the reason he’s been in a 5-year funk.

That’s because, ever since the incident, the answer to his question has been a big fat “NO”.

What happened 5 years ago? As I said, Simon works in the food-service industry, which means many of his employees are kids. They’re mostly high school and college students. Teenagers.

5 years ago, Simon pushed one of them to the ground.

Yep. Not a great look from the owner of the business.

Since then, his team has leveraged this incident against him. It’s undermined his leadership and carved out any sense of dignity he had about who he is as a boss. Because of his upbringing, he already lived with a sense of shame on a low simmer.

This event brought it to a boil.

How did he respond?

He went into survival mode. For Simon, that looked like going passive. He escaped to Primal Avoidance, which is where we decide to hide and play small to avoid giving anyone the chance to answer our Primal Question with a no.

This was his subconscious strategy for 5 years, until he finally realized it wasn’t working for him or his marriage.

That’s when he came to me for coaching.

After just 3 sessions, he is reactivated and back in the game.

How did we turn his life around so fast?

After identifying his Primal Question, the first thing we did was go back to the incident. I had him retell the story with all the details. Not just the interpretation, but all the facts. After hearing the full version, I called the story what it was: nonsense.

Here’s what really happened.

They were at a company-wide function.

It was a day of fun and games to foster connection and reward the employees for their hard work. One of the employees (a teenager) was wreaking havoc on the day. He kept mouthing off to Simon and all the other employees. Talking trash. Saying stuff he should not be saying. Simon repeatedly told him to knock it off, but it didn’t stop. It just kept building and building.

It escalated all day until the point where, during a game, this kid was being verbally abusive to the other players.

Eventually, Simon lost his cool and pushed the kid down.

Again, not a great choice. However, his only takeaway for the last 5 years has been, “I did something wrong. I really messed up. I’m a bad leader. I’m a bad guy.” Everyone around him buys that version of the story. His employees buy that story. He buys that story. Even his wife buys that story.

This is the power of coaching:

I don’t buy that story.

I call B.S. on that story. I think that story is nonsense. At a minimum, I know for a fact that it’s not the WHOLE story. Here’s the other part of the story that I see that no one is telling Simon.

I see a leader who has a responsibility to protect his people.

I see a situation where people were being verbally abused, and a man who stepped into the gap and put an end to it. I don’t see a bad guy. I see a protector. To be clear, I’m not letting him off the hook. His strategy was off. He should have made a different choice, but his heart to protect his people was in the right place.

The problem is, he took ALL the blame. That is not the whole story.

Back to last week’s newsletter, this is healthy adulting.

Healthy adults have the ability to see nuance. It’s not black and white. It’s not either or. It’s not good or bad. That’s not how life works. If you think it is, you will live life handcuffed by extreme stories.

Healthy adults live in truth.

Healthy adults don’t tolerate nonsense.

18-year-old kids telling you who you are as a leader? Nonsense. Teenagers controlling the narrative of who you are as an adult for 5 years? Nonsense.

Simon knows that now. He took back the pen. He can’t change the facts, but he can rewrite the story through a different lens. One that gives him the power to take action instead of being backed into a corner, playing small ball for the rest of his life.

After 3 sessions, he has a whole new perspective.

In our most recent session, he was a completely different guy.

He’s not waiting for everyone else to answer his Primal Question. He’s practicing Self Leadership and answering it for himself every day. He’s more engaged. He’s reactivated. He’s leading meetings with more authority, which has already created new opportunities in his business.

2 Quick Principles for You to Take Away From This Story

Principle One: Investigate Your Story to Find the Truer Truth

If life is not working for you, if you feel stuck, trapped, bogged down, or small, you need to investigate your story. What’s the message you received growing up? What’s your Primal Question? What story were you told about your core need? Who told you the story? What are the facts?

Some of those facts might be true, but there’s a Truer Truth that will give you your agency back. You need to find it.

Principle Two: Change Doesn’t Take Time. It Takes Accuracy.

Your life can change fast when you know exactly what's going on inside you. This is the power of the Primal Question. It helps you cut straight to the root issue. It has a level of “torque” to it that allows you to transform quickly.

For Simon, it took 3 sessions.

I’m not saying he’s done, but I am saying he’s a completely different guy. For 5 years, he was crushed by this story. In 3 sessions, we were able to help him straighten his spine and stand tall with his head held high again. We dealt with his past, so now, we can look to the future.

Don’t buy the lie that life change takes a lifetime.

I’ll say it again: Change doesn’t take time. It takes accuracy.

Slow down. Take the time to understand your inner world through the lens of the Seven Primal Questions. Examine your story. Find the Truer Truth.

You’re worth the effort.

To your growth,
Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful?

If so, please don’t click away without leaving a like or a comment. I’d love for you to join the conversation and share your perspective. Your engagement helps more people discover their Primal Question, so thanks in advance :).

P.P.S. Do you want to learn how to use the Primal Question to transform lives in 3 sessions?

I’m putting the finishing touches on a brand new Primal Question Certification that will launch this fall. The first cohort will only be available for 20 people. Join the waitlist to be the first to know about it.