7 Laws of Healthy Adulting
We live in a society where adults are behaving like kids. Here are 7 principles every adult needs to live by to improve their life.
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.
If this is your first time reading, join 67k+ growth-minded friends who read along each week.
Today, we’re diving into…
7 Laws of Healthy Adulting
We live in a society where adults are behaving like kids.
Now, before you mentally rattle off names of CEOs, politicians, or celebrities making headlines for their most recent questionable decisions, let me stop you right there. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about you. I’m talking about us.
The truth is, most of us were never taught how to be healthy adults.
We’re still running our lives on Kid Logic.
What’s "Kid Logic"? It’s the flawed, subconscious reasoning you developed as a kid to navigate life. Back then, your mind soaked up information like a ShamWow, forming neural pathways that are still in place and shaping your behavior today. The problem is, when your life is guided by the wounded logic of a child, you can’t solve your adult problems. You just continue repeating them.
This is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Kid Logic is something we all developed, and it probably helped you survive some tough or even traumatic times.
But the truth is, it’s not 9-year-old Mike’s job to run my adult life. It’s not your inner 11-year-old’s job to run yours. It’s time to let your inner child clock out. Give them a pat on the back and say, “Thanks, I’ll take it from here.”
It’s your responsibility to shift away from Kid Logic to become a Healthy Adult.
Here’s why this matters.
If we don’t intentionally embrace healthy adulting, our kids will continue being raised by Kid Logic parents. Companies, nonprofits, and even governments will stay stuck, run by Kid Logic leaders. We’ll continue tolerating all sorts of nonsense and slow our collective growth.
It’s time to grow up.
It’s time to become Healthy Adults.
After coaching hundreds (maybe even thousands) of leaders across practically every industry, I believe these seven principles of healthy adulting are crucial. If these became our “laws” to live by, we’d have a society full of Healthy Adults.
Here they are…
The 7 Laws of Healthy Adulting
1. Healthy adults know they have needs and practice self-leadership to meet them.
Most adults are in complete denial about their needs.
They say things like, “I don’t need anything. I’m good. Do you need anything? How can I help you?” We want to be the strong one who somehow doesn’t need anything from anyone, yet can help everyone else with their needs.
This is nonsense. Complete B.S.
The truth is, you have needs. In fact, you have at least seven of them:
Safety
Security
Love
Belonging
Success
Worthiness
Purpose
When you ignore your needs, they don’t disappear. They control you without you even knowing it. Healthy Adults don’t deny, bury, ignore, minimize, or shame their needs. Healthy adulting is being honest about your needs, communicating them clearly, practicing self-leadership to meet them, and asking for help from trusted loved ones to get those legitimate needs met.
Pro Tip: One of these seven is your Apex Emotional Need, which I call your Primal Question. The first step of healthy adulting is identifying your Primal Question and taking ownership to answer that question with a resounding YES. (Take this free quiz I made to help you identify your Primal Question.)
2. Healthy adults know the world owes them nothing.
Many adults live in denial about how the world actually works.
They think life should just line up for them. That the world somehow owes them happiness, and that everything should work in their favor. The truth is, the world owes you nothing. It’s not organized to make you happy. If you expect it to, you’re going to live a frustrating life, because you’re not living in reality.
It’s like playing basketball and thinking, "Every time I shoot the ball, I get two points." No! That's not how the game works. The ball has to go in the hoop.
Yet so many adults think, “I tried really hard. I wanted it. I had a vision and passion. I shot the ball. Why aren’t there any points on the scoreboard?”
Because the ball didn’t go in.
In basketball, you don’t get points for shooting. In real life, you don’t get points for trying. That’s just how the game is set up. You actually have to score. The sooner you recognize this reality, the sooner you can put in the work required to get results.
Here’s the good news:
The world has SO MUCH to offer you once you see straight and understand how the game of life is played.
3. Healthy adults listen to every part of themselves.
If you think of your life like a house, most adults only live in one room: their mind.
They forget there are other rooms. They never go into the room of their heart or their body or their spirit to hear what those parts have to say, so they only experience a fraction of life. Healthy Adults explore every room.
They’re connected to:
Their emotions
Their mind
Their body
Their spirit
They have a working framework of both the strengths and limitations of each of these areas. By the way, each of them has limitations (including your mind), which is why you need to listen to all 4 parts of yourself to live in fullness.
4. Healthy adults pause between stimulus and response.
So many adults just react to life.
Something happens to them, they react immediately, and they think, “I did that because that’s just who I am.” No. Not true. You are an adult. You have the ability to pause and consider, “How do I want to respond to what just happened?”
Your ability to pause between stimulus and response is a great signal of your emotional maturity.
If you don’t develop this ability to pause, you are at a massive disadvantage. You will be stuck in a sort of prolonged adolescence, controlled by feelings you don’t understand. Tossed about by life. If you want to grow in your emotional intelligence, this book, Emotional Agility by Susan David, is a great place to start.
5. Healthy adults know life is short and don’t wait for permission to live it.
Life is high stakes. It goes by very fast, and it has so much potential and possibility.
Yet many adults sit around waiting for someone else to give them permission to live their life fully. They’re waiting for acceptance or approval or cheerleading from others. They think they need someone else to affirm their decision before they start that business, embark on that adventure, or marry that girl.
That’s not healthy adulting.
Your life is yours.
Healthy adults realize, “This is my life. If I wait around for everybody else to give me permission, I’m gonna blink and miss it.” They take action and risk failure, but at least they are living.
My friend, do not get to the end of your life with regrets about all the risks you were afraid to take. Stop waiting for permission. Go live your life. Get after it.
You’re the only one in your way.
6. Healthy adults know they can only have a few true friends, and they choose them wisely.
I’m going to tell you what I told one of my clients the other day.
You need to upgrade your definition of friendship. I’m shocked by what people are willing to tolerate—or settle for—when it comes to friendship. The bar is WAY too low.
Here’s an example.
This client is a great guy. He runs a company with a beautiful mission. All their profits go to charity. He’s a great friend, too. His Primal Question is #4: Am I wanted?, so he’s always gathering people together, planning golf trips for his friends, and making everyone feel included.
Yet his golf buddies make fun of his mission-driven business. They don’t respect it at all.
The other day, I asked him straight up, “Have any of your friends bought any products from your business?” He said no. He’s constantly doing things for his friends, yet not a single one has bought anything to support him and his mission.
I told him, “How can you call these people friends? That’s insane. You need to upgrade your friends.”
Healthy Adults don’t tolerate bad friends. They know they only have the capacity for a few real friends in life, and they’re careful who they let into their lives. Choose wisely who gets access to you, your energy, your attention, and your time.
By the way, I’m not saying you need to cut everyone off. I’m just saying you need to know the 3 or 4 people who are your “ride-or-die” friends and allocate your energy accordingly.
7. Healthy adults understand what they can (and can’t) control.
One of the most important principles of healthy adulting is understanding control.
Healthy Adults understand what’s in their power and what isn’t, and they focus almost exclusively on the things they can control. In life, there are three clear categories of control:
Things you have Full Control over: You have full control over your attitude, your perspective, your decisions, what you do with your time, the choices you make with your health, etc. Healthy Adults take total ownership of these full-control items. These are things happening right now, in the present moment. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday. Right now.
Things you have Partial Control over: You only have partial control over results. For example, your career outcomes, your finances, or your relationships. You play a part in the results, but you don’t have full control. Things you have partial control over are always in the future (even if the future is 2 minutes from now).
Things you have No Control over: These are things completely outside your influence. Other people’s choices. Past events. Unforeseen circumstances. World leaders. Weather. You name it. Doesn’t matter what you do. You can’t change it.
The mistake most people make is misallocating their energy.
Many people spend the majority of their energy focusing on things they have No Control over. Healthy Adults focus almost 100% of their energy on things they have Full Control over.
Here’s my challenge to you this week:
Choose just one of these seven laws and make it your focus.
Maybe it’s upgrading your standards for friendship. Maybe it's finally admitting you have needs and clearly communicating them. Or perhaps it's simply practicing the pause between stimulus and response.
Remember, it’s okay that Kid Logic got you here, but healthy adulting is what’s going to get you where you want to go. Don’t let another day slip by on autopilot.
Take ownership of your life today.
To your growth,
Mike
P.S. Was this helpful? If so, don’t click away without leaving a like or comment or sharing with a friend. Which of these laws stuck out? What would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments, I’d love for you to join the conversation.
Powerful and very applicable tools to use for Healthy Adulting!
Terrific article. His book is great.