How to Reparent Yourself

2 Practices & 7 Truths to Live as a Strong, Healthy, Adult.

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

If this is your first time reading, join 67k+ growth-minded friends who read along each week.

Today, we’re diving into…

How to Reparent Yourself

Okay, I know that might sound odd, but stay with me. This is one of the most transformational concepts I use in my coaching practice (and in my own life), and I want to share it with you today.

Here’s why it matters.

8-year-old you is still in the driver’s seat of your life.

Whether you know it or not, that little version of you is still in there. He or she is still controlling your decisions. Maybe not in every area of life, but I promise you, even if you’ve done years of work, there is still at least 1 area of your life being run by Kid Logic.

How do I know?

Because you still have the same brain.

Growing up, you were parented a certain way. Your parents taught you about what was right and wrong. They accepted some needs and denied others. You may have experienced abuse, neglect, or simply silence on certain topics. The truth is, no parents are perfect.

You can honor your parents while acknowledging that certain needs were unclear or unmet.

All of this left an imprint on you.

It told you a story about the way the world works.

Most importantly, it told you a story about your needs. We all have 7 core needs in life. I call them The Seven Primal Questions, because we go through life asking if they are going to be met. At some point in early childhood, one of these questions became more important to you than the other seven because it was answered with a NO or a MAYBE. From there, you figured out strategies and coping mechanisms to meet this core need yourself.

Those strategies cemented themselves into your mind as neural pathways that are still in place.

Back then, what you needed was for an adult to sit down with you and clearly explain the truth about your need. If that never happened, you have a responsibility to step in as the healthy adult and do this for yourself.

You need to reparent yourself so “Little You” can stop Scrambling.

For example, as I’ve talked about many times before, my Primal Question is Question #1: Am I Safe?

Through a traumatic experience, I received a message and imprint that has shaped much of my life. As a kid, I picked up the message: Adults aren’t here to protect me. That’s the story I learned about safety. Nobody’s here to save me or rescue me.

That was the Kid Logic: I am responsible for my own safety.

Now, I carry that into my adult life.

Think of it like math. Let’s say you had a math teacher who got a lot right, but they got one thing wrong. They taught you that 2 + 2 = 5. If that’s what you were taught, you will keep living with that belief until another math teacher comes alongside you and says, “Hey, 2+2 actually equals 4. That’s the truth. That’s how math works.”

That’s exactly what you need to do for yourself.

For me, it looks like sitting down with Little Mike and telling him the truth about safety.

It’s saying, “You are a kid, and kids aren’t responsible for their own safety. Kids need adults to help them stay safe. I am an adult now, and I’m going to protect you. You can count on me. I will never put you in danger. I've got this.”

This is what reparenting yourself looks like.

It’s showing up and being the parent we needed that we didn’t get when we were young.

I know it sounds odd, but it’s vital. That little version of you, that wounded version of you, that version of you with an unmet need, is looking for a healthy, empowered guide. They need a healthy adult to come alongside them and explain the truth. Otherwise, you will continue to perpetuate your original programming.

If you don’t do this, nobody else is going to do it for you.

So how exactly do we do this? I’m going to show you…

2 Practices and 7 Truths to Reparent Yourself

First, I’m going to give you 2 practices.

You cannot reparent yourself until you are reconnected to the kid inside of you.

By the way, most people resist this kind of work because we look at that little version of ourselves and we see it as broken. It's getting in the way. It slows us down. But a healthy parent doesn’t dismiss their child’s needs. A parent comes in and says, “Let me talk to you. I'm going to sit with you. I want to listen. I have all the time in the world for you.”

That’s the posture it’s going to take to reparent yourself. You cannot effectively parent somebody you resist or don't like.

You need to learn to accept and love that little version of you as they are.

Practice #1: Draw a Picture of Yourself When You Were 8

In order to reparent yourself, you need to tap into that child-like side of you.

One way to do this is to draw. Adults hate when I tell them this because they think they’re “bad at drawing”, but kids don’t worry about that. Kids just draw. Grab a piece of paper and a pen or some markers. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and draw yourself as a kid.

Then, set another timer for 10 minutes, and reflect on these questions…

• What do they need?

• What are they wanting?

• What are they thinking about?

• What were they experiencing?

• What is that kid confused about?

This will help you reconnect to that little version of you, so you can reparent them.

Practice #2: Imagine Sitting With 8-year-old You in Your Childhood Bedroom

This is a practice I’m doing right now with my therapist, and admittedly, it’s difficult, but it’s important. Here’s how it works.

I sit down on my couch and get quiet. I close my eyes and try to imagine sitting next to Little Mike. He’s in his PJs. We’re sitting next to each other on my bed in my childhood bedroom. Right now, we’re not saying anything.

My therapist told me to wait.

She said, “He’ll tell you something.”

So far, he hasn’t said a word. In these moments, I find a ton of resistance in myself. I feel the need to do something. Say something. To take action as a parent. What I’m learning is that I need to sit there and earn his trust first. The truth is, I have antagonism and angst toward Little Mike. I see him as slowing me down. He’s a part of me I am not in full acceptance of.

I’m learning to just sit with him and earn his trust by being with him.

That’s what he needs from a healthy adult.

Eventually, we will get to talking. My primary message will be to tell him the truth about safety. The same is true for you, but your message will be specific to your Primal Question.

7 Truths to Reparent Each of the Seven Primal Questions

Primal Question #1: Am I Safe?

Core Lie: "I’m not safe, and no one is here to protect me. I'm responsible for my own safety. I need to do whatever it takes to protect myself.”

Scramble: You become hyper-vigilant, try to control everything, and constantly predict everything that could possibly go wrong.

The Truth: "You’re safe. I am here to protect you. You can count on me, and I will never put you in danger."

Primal Question #2: Am I Secure?

Core Lie: "There's not enough in the world, and it's all going to go away. I could lose everything and end up broke. I don't have enough resources to protect myself, and financial instability could destroy me at any moment."

Scramble: You hoard money, obsess over finances, and constantly plan for worst-case scenarios.

The Truth: "You are secure. The world is an abundant place, and there will always be enough. You have the ability to earn and provide for yourself, and people who will take care of you. The numbers don't have to dictate your life or steal your peace."

Primal Question #3: Am I Loved?

Core Lie: "I'm only lovable if I take care of everyone else and make sure they're happy. Love is conditional. If I don't please people and meet their needs, I won't be worthy of love. I have to lose myself to be loved."

Scramble: You people-please, over-give, and meet everyone’s needs, except for your own.

The Truth: "You're loved. It's okay if you disappoint people. You're not any less worthy of love if somebody is sad or mad right now. You don't have to lose yourself in meeting everyone else's needs to be lovable—you are loved just as you are."

Primal Question #4: Am I Wanted?

Core Lie: "I have to abandon who I really am to be accepted and included. When people reject me or leave me out, it means I'm fundamentally unwanted as a person. I'm not worth pursuing or connecting with unless I change myself."

Scramble: You always say yes to things, change yourself to avoid being left out, and see micro-rejections as a total rejection of who you are.

The Truth: "You're wanted. You don't have to change to feel accepted. When you don’t get included, it's okay—it's not a rejection of your whole self. You don't have to change who you are to belong. You’re worthy of belonging just as you are."

Primal Question #5: Am I Successful?

Core Lie: "Success is all about winning, keeping score, and external achievements. My worth is tied to my performance—what the score is, how much money I make, what kind of watch I'm wearing. If I don’t win, I'm a failure."

Scramble: You become a workaholic, focus on the 3% you missed instead of the 97% you got right, and never celebrate your wins.

The Truth: "You're already successful. Success isn't just about winning. True success is finding joy, contentment, and rich relationships. There's more to you than just your achievements."

Primal Question #6: Am I Good Enough?

Core Lie: "I have to be perfect to be valuable and avoid judgment. I'm fundamentally flawed, and if people see the real me, they'll find me wanting. I can minimize pain and shame by performing perfectly and never making mistakes."

Scramble: You turn to perfectionism, over-perform, criticize yourself intensely, and defend against any feedback.

The Truth: "You're good enough. Your worth is inherent and unconditional. You don't have to perform to be valuable. Let's bring the shame from the darkness into the light. You don’t have to hide it anymore. You are good enough exactly as you are."

Primal Question #7: Do I Have a Purpose?

Core Lie: "I need to find that one perfect, significant path to make my life matter. My impact has to be big and measurable—numbers, attention, accolades, and trophies—or I'm wasting my precious life. Small things don't count."

Scramble: You endlessly search for your "one perfect path," stress about wasting time, and measure impact by numbers and recognition.

The Truth: "You have a purpose. Making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for your kids is just as purposeful as digging wells. Your life matters already. You don't have to find some grand purpose—you can live purposefully right where you are."

Your action item:

Slow down. Take 30-60 minutes to talk to the younger version of you. From the standpoint of a healthy adult, tell them to truth they needed to hear about their need.

I know that, as an adult, you have a lot going on, but that little kid deserves your time and attention, so give it to them this week.

You’re worth it.

Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful?

If so, please don’t click away without leaving a like or comment or sharing it with someone else. Your engagement helps others discover their Primal Question.

Thanks for reading :)