Coaching Confession: My "Niceness" Hurt My Clients

If you're a coach or counselor, this mistake might be hurting your clients' results and your business.

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies. If this is your first time reading, subscribe here to join 65k+ growth-minded friends who read along each week.

I have a confession to make.

I am not exactly proud of this, but it’s the truth…

When I first started coaching, there were some clients I dreaded.

I would sit down for my morning coffee, open up my calendar to see who I was meeting with that day, see their names, and feel my energy drop. Why? Because I knew exactly how the conversation would go, and I knew that nothing in their life was going to change.

Before I continue, let me make two things clear.

First, I do not feel this way about any of my current clients (more on why in a moment).

Second, this was never the client’s fault. It was always mine.

You see, I used to coach with a very different style than I do today. You may have heard me say that my coaching style is “50% Mr. Rogers and 50% Navy SEAL”, but that was not always the case.

In those early days, my clients got a LOT of Mr. Rogers.

They got 90% “nice Mike” and only 10% of the Navy SEAL energy they needed.

I was soft on them. I tried to say things in the most gentle, appeasing way possible. I didn’t want to offend them or ruffle any feathers or stir the pot. I wanted them to feel warm and welcome and safe.

At least that’s what I told myself.

The truth is, I was trying to answer my own Primal Question instead of focusing solely on my clients’ needs.

If you are a coach or counselor, you are likely doing the same thing, and it’s negatively impacting your clients’ lives and your business.

Here’s how this showed up for me…

There are Seven Primal Questions. My Primal Question is “Am I safe?”, and my Satellite Question is “Am I secure?”. In my research, I’ve found that the question adjacent to your Primal Question is often the strategy you use to answer your Primal Question with a “YES”. This is certainly true in my life.

Financial security is my primary strategy for achieving a sense of safety.

A.K.A. I was terrified of losing clients.

Instead of challenging them with the Navy SEAL side of me, I held back. I pulled punches. I didn’t share my strong perspectives or what I was really thinking. I didn’t listen to my own voice or wisdom. There were times when I wanted to challenge a client, but thought, “I don’t want to be too harsh. I don’t want to take a risk right now. What if I offend them?”

This was never conscious, but deep down, I think part of me was thinking, “I can’t afford to lose them.”

You can see how this quickly devolves into ineffective coaching.

This is why I started to dread working with certain clients. Not because they were doing anything wrong, but because I created a milquetoast environment. I allowed them to complain about the same thing for 10 sessions in a row. I comforted them instead of putting them on the hook to transform their life.

So what changed?

I started living in my Primal Truth.

All of this “weak-sauce” coaching happened before I knew my Primal Question.

Once I discovered what was going on underneath the surface, I learned how to take back control. I stopped waiting for other people, especially my clients, to meet my needs. I learned how to practice self-leadership and meet my own need for safety and security every single day.

This shift transformed my entire life.

It certainly transformed my coaching.

Now, I’m free to focus 100% on what the client needs. I feel so safe and secure in my life that I’m not thinking about or managing my own needs in coaching sessions anymore. All I care about is advocating for the client with whatever they need in that moment.

Sometimes that’s Mr. Rogers.

Sometimes that’s Navy SEAL.

This frees me up to say the hard truth. To tell them what no one else is telling them. To call out the nonsense they believe about themselves. To bluntly state how they’re getting in their own way and self-sabotaging.

That’s why I LOVE working with all of my clients today.

Not because they’re different from my past clients, but because I’m different. I'm bringing the fullness of myself to the work. I’m not holding back. We're having the right conversations. We’re taking action, and their lives are transforming.

Guess what?

When you show up powerfully and boldly to serve the client instead of yourself, it’s good for them and it’s good for business.

• My clients are getting better results than ever.

• I’m working with fewer clients and charging more.

• I’m more financially secure than ever before.

• I’m not afraid to fire clients when they don’t want to change.

• I get 90% of clients from referrals because people tell their friends.

“Awesome, Mike. That’s great for you. What does this have to do with me?”

Odds are, you still have work to do in this area.

I know because I am actively working on this every day. If you are still subconsciously asking your Primal Question, I can guarantee you are self-serving in your sessions instead of loving your client through Fierce Advocacy. I’m not saying you are a bad coach. Even back then, most of my clients were still getting decent results. But I am saying that you are likely not as effective as you could be.

That matters because, in coaching, effectiveness is everything.

If you are ineffective, it ripples into every other area…

• Clients leave after 6 months instead of working with you for years.

• They don’t experience transformation, so they don’t refer their friends.

• You feel like you can’t raise your rates because people aren’t changing.

• You're always trying to find new clients to fill your empty spots.

It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s the reason most coaches do not make it.

Here’s the bottom line:

If you want to increase your effectiveness, you need to live in your Primal Truth.

There are so many tools, frameworks, and strategies out there, but none of them will matter if you need your clients to make you feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, successful, good enough, or purposeful. You have to take that out of the room.

You have to show up secure in your Primal Truth to fully serve them the way they deserve.

Let me tell you, friend.

This work is worth it. Because once you get to this level of truth and groundedness and confidence, it’s like discovering what you were made to do. It’s like getting called up to play 3rd base for the Yankees when you always believed you were destined to play Triple-A.

Living in your Primal Truth as a coach is how you step into the big leagues as a coach or counselor.

Here’s your action item:

Read my newsletter from last week on how to reparent yourself. Commit to answering your own Primal Question with a YES every single day. Remind yourself of your Primal Truth before every single session.

Watch how it levels up your ability to serve your clients.

To your growth,

Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful?

If so, don’t click away without leaving a like or comment or sharing with another coach. What stuck out? What do you still have questions about? Let me know in the comments. I’d love for you to join the conversation.

Your engagement helps others discover their Primal Question.

Thanks for reading :)

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