95% of Us Think We’re Self-Aware (But Only 15% Are)
How to Become Genuinely Self-Aware Using Rackets.
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Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about self-awareness.
In my practice, I’ve noticed that a lot of people think they’re self-aware, but they’re not. They might seem like they are, but it’s like wearing pleather. It looks like the real thing, but it’s a knockoff. I’ve been reading all sorts of books to figure out how to help clients move from faux-self-awareness to the real thing.
This stat from the book Insight by Tash Eurich stuck out:
95% of people think they’re self-aware, but actually only 15% are.
The problem is, we don’t see ourselves accurately.
It’s like we’re looking into a fun house mirror. We think we know what we look like. We’re staring at the mirror after all. The mirror is clearly showing us that we have a huge head and tiny body. Or big torso and tiny head. We think we know ourselves because we see ourselves, but we don’t realize that we’re looking at a distorted mirror.
George Orwell once said, “To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle.”
I’m going to give you one tool today to help with that struggle.
It’s called a Racket.
What is a “Racket”?
A racket is a tool I use all the time in my coaching practice.
The term actually comes from racketeering during Prohibition. You’d have a storefront that looks like an innocent candy shop but in the back, there’s a bar selling illegal alcohol. On the surface, everything looks fine. But behind the scenes, something else is going on entirely, and someone is getting a payoff from it.
That’s what rackets are.
We have rackets in our own lives.
They are beliefs that seem innocent or even accurate but there’s something more going on behind the scenes.
How to Become Genuinely Self-Aware Using Rackets
Let me give you an example.
I had a client come in recently. She thought she knew herself really well. She told me, “I’m not an emotional person. I just don’t feel things.”
This is the type of belief many people mistake for self-awareness. They think, “I know myself. I know how I am.” But really it’s just a racket. As a coach and counselor, I obviously wasn’t buying it. Every human feels emotion.
Here’s how we unpacked her racket, step by step (and how you can too).
Step 1: Identify the Belief
The first step is recognizing the belief or complaint that sits at the top of your racket.
This belief usually shows up as something that sounds like “insight.” But it’s actually a protective statement meant to avoid pain. We say things like, “This is just how I am.”
In reality, it’s a way to stay safe and not go deeper.
Client Example:
She told me, “I don’t feel compassion, sympathy, or feelings.” She described her heart as “a heart of stone.” She was convinced this was true.
But I knew the belief wasn’t truth. It was armor.
Step 2: Identify the Associated Behaviors
Every belief leads to a pattern of behavior.
We live out the story we tell ourselves. When we believe something limiting, we adjust our actions to support that belief. These behaviors might look responsible or efficient, but they often serve to protect, not connect.
They also serve as further “evidence” supporting the false belief.
Client Example:
The associated behaviors for my client revolved around productivity.
She’s not emotional. She’s the fixer. She’s the planner. She’s the problem-solver. She’s the doer. These behaviors keep her in motion and out of emotion.
Step 3: Identify the Payoffs
This is the part no one likes to admit.
There’s always a payoff for running a racket. We get something out of it. That doesn’t mean it’s good for us. It just means it feels easier or safer than facing what’s really going on inside.
Client Example:
Her payoff was focusing on strength and avoiding weakness.
She got to feel like the capable one. She didn’t have to slow down. She didn’t have to enter into anything vulnerable. She even told me, “Emotions take too much time.” This belief is saving her time, energy, and money.
Step 4: Identify the Costs
Every racket has a cost.
It may not show up right away, but over time, the cost compounds. It affects your health, your relationships, and your sense of peace. And most people never realize how much they’re losing, which is why processing your rackets is so important.
Client Example:
The cost for her was hidden, but in our session, it became real.
This belief was costing her connection with her husband. She said their relationship didn’t have the intimacy she wanted. She also felt exhausted, always living on the surface. Always in “production” mode. It’s also likely costing her connection, understanding, and buy-in with her coworkers.
Step 5: Decide if the Payoffs are Worth the Costs
Once the full picture is clear, it’s time to make a choice.
Only you can decide. Is the thing you’re getting out of this racket worth what it’s taking from you? Many times, the answer is no. But you can’t make that decision until you see it all laid out.
Client Example:
She saw it. And to her credit, she didn’t defend it. She sat in it. She saw that this belief was giving her a payoff, but that they were not worth the costs.
Step 6: Choose a New Belief
This is where the transformation begins.
After you’ve unpacked the racket, you get to choose what you want to believe going forward. The good news? Just like the old belief, the new belief leads to new actions. The new actions become further evidence of the new belief.
Client Example:
We didn’t get to the new belief in our session, but I gave her homework to write it down. I told her, “What’s the new story you want to operate from?” She gets to rewrite the script.
It could be:
I am capable of feeling emotion and connecting with others.
I am growing in my ability to connect to myself and others.
It’s safe to pause and feel my emotions.
Your action item:
Identify one belief you have about yourself and ask…
What behaviors come from this belief?
What are the payoffs of this belief?
What are the costs of this belief?
Are the payoffs worth what this is costing me?
If not, choose a new belief to anchor into.
To your growth,
Mike Foster