Wounded Men with Ring Lights

Toxic Masculinity. Auditing our influences. And what it means to be a real man.

Hey friend,

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

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I recently watched Louis Theroux’s documentary, Inside the Manosphere, on Netflix.

If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.

Fair warning: it will make your blood boil.

If you’re unfamiliar with the “manosphere”, it’s a corner of the internet where male influencers create content about what it means to be a “real man.” On the surface, it looks like a bunch of guys talking about getting buff, making money, and leveling up in life.

But the further in you go, the darker it gets.

Through Theroux’s disarming interview style and gently curious questions, he uncovers belief after belief that these guys hold as gospel truth.

Beliefs like…

• Women are born with value because of their bodies, but men are not. Men have to earn their value by working out and making money. One of the influencer’s own fans said it straight-faced to the camera as if it was an accepted fact: “Life as a man, you’re born without value.”

• “One-way monogamy.” Women are designed for monogamy with one partner, but men are not. Husbands can sleep with whoever they want, while wives are expected to stay completely faithful. Oh, and the women should be happy about this. One of the wives advocated for this dynamic, saying something to the effect of, “I think every woman wants to know that their man is desired by other women.”

• My morals don’t apply to business if it makes me money. One guy, Harrison Sullivan, says he would disown his future daughter if she ever posted inappropriate content online. At the same time, he owns an agency that manages women’s accounts on the exact platform he’s condemning. When Theroux presses him on the contradiction, Sullivan shrugs it off. “Do I agree with it? No. Would I profit off of it? Yeah.”

I could go on and on.

One influencer opens the documentary by referring to a woman in a bikini in his living room as “his dishwasher.” Another pushes conspiracy theories about a shadowy cabal of elites trying to destroy civilization. The further you get, the more misogynistic, anti-Semitic, homophobic, and delusional these views become.

I have a lot of thoughts on this, and I’m sure you would share many of them if you watch it yourself.

But here’s my higher-level, 50,000 ft takeaway that may be less obvious…

We need to be very discerning about the voices we choose to listen to.

One of the things that struck me most was that these guys have real fans. In real life.

Multiple times throughout the documentary, Theroux is walking in public with these influencers, and they get stopped by young men — typically in their teens and twenties — who are thrilled to meet them. They say things like, “You’re my hero” or “Your content changed my life.”

I kept asking myself: Why are these guys falling for this nonsense?

And if you know me, you know where I’m going with this.

It comes down to the Primal Question.

Honestly, I don’t think most of these influencers even believe their own views. There were multiple moments when Theroux asked simple follow-up questions, and they immediately backtracked. Especially when their wives and girlfriends were present, suddenly the extreme views about masculinity got a whole lot softer.

One of them admitted he says offensive things because it gets attention and makes him money.

So what’s really going on?

I could make a case for all 7 questions, but I see a lot of Primal Question #4: “Am I wanted?” at play. It’s tribalism. It’s belonging. These guys don’t care about the ideology.

They care about being part of something.

And their fans are the same way. The message resonates because it’s showing vulnerable young men (most of whom don’t have solid male role models) how to answer their Primal Question with a yes.

• Am I wanted?

• Am I successful?

• Am I good enough?

They’re just showing them how to do it in the most unhealthy ways, using the most destructive tools possible.

And that reveals something important about all of us.

We are incredibly susceptible to being manipulated when we’re unaware of our own Primal Question.

When you don’t know what’s driving you, anyone with a microphone and some confidence can step in and steer you.

So when it comes to who you follow online and who you allow to influence the direction of your life, I think there are three critical questions to ask.

1. Is this person self-aware?

The Manosphere guys have zero self-awareness.

There’s nothing wrong with going to the gym to get strong, and there’s nothing wrong with building a business to make money. The problem isn’t the activity. It’s the total absence of introspection on the “why” behind it.

It’s actually very ironic.

They think they’re in control. They think they have power. They think they are dominant. But it’s a complete illusion. They are entirely controlled by primal desires, and they have no clue.

I talk a lot about Kid Logic versus Adult Logic, but these guys open up a whole new category.

They’re running on Caveman Logic.

• Me get strong.

• Me make money.

• Me get girls.

It doesn’t seem to go any deeper than that.

Before you follow anyone’s advice, ask yourself:

Is this someone who knows why they’re doing what they’re doing? Does it seem like they’re doing their own inner work? Are they aware of their own blind spots?

Or are they just creating content that shows you how to emulate their own dysfunction and Scramble?

2. Who is this person serving?

Every single influencer in that documentary was only interested in serving himself.

They don’t care about how their extreme views hurt others. They don’t care that they are selling people lies. They don’t care that their customers are getting ripped off or that they’re profiting off of an industry that exploits women.

Some of them talk about serving their families, but even then, it’s self-serving. They don’t want to serve their wives. They want their wives to serve them.

Look, I’m a business owner. I want to make money too.

But I believe business is fundamentally about helping more people.

I want my business to grow, so I can help more customers, pay my team more, support my family, and help the people around me thrive — not so I can sit alone in a Dubai penthouse surrounded by women I’m paying to be there.

When you’re evaluating someone’s influence, look at the fruit.

Where is their heart at? Who are they helping? Are the people they say they’re helping actually being served, or are they actually being scammed?

3. How is their message hitting my Primal Question?

This is the big one.

Think about who you love listening to online. It doesn’t have to be someone as extreme as the manosphere guys. It could be something that seems totally innocent. But pay attention to why you’re drawn to them.

What is your Primal Question?

How is this person speaking to it?

Are they answering it with a yes and showing you how to meet your need in healthy ways, through self-leadership, honest relationships, and genuine growth?

Or are they exploiting your Primal Question? Stirring up your insecurity, answering your core need with a no, keeping you hooked by threatening the very thing you crave, so you keep watching, scrolling, and buying?

There’s a massive difference between a voice that empowers you and a voice that keeps you scared and dependent.

Bottom Line: Be discerning about who you listen to and allow to influence your life.

This applies across all leadership.

Church leadership, political leadership, business/thought leadership. We need to call out people who are spouting nonsense and are not worth listening to. We need to ignore people who are not standard bearers for truth.

There’s so much more I want to say about this topic, but I’ll close with this…

If you’re a young man who’s been consuming this toxic masculinity content and thinking, “Maybe they’re onto something”, I want to say this to you directly, with love.

If you follow these guys, you will drive 100 miles per hour into a brick wall.

There is no happy ending here. This is an illusion. It is pure fantasy. It is not the real world. And when reality hits, and it will, it’s going to hurt.

Masculinity can’t be boxed into a highlight reel of muscles, money, and women.

True Masculinity is more diverse and more beautiful than that.

It can’t be neatly defined because it has a million expressions, but I know this much…

• It’s knowing your values and living out of them when no one is watching.

• It’s doing your inner work instead of making the world pay for the work you haven’t done.

• It’s about having depth. Having the guts to ask yourself hard questions instead of shouting thoughtless answers at strangers on the internet for clicks and views.

• It’s taking radical responsibility for your life instead of blaming women, society, or the system for your problems.

• It’s measuring strength by who you lift up, not by who you can push around.

You deserve better role models than wounded men with ring lights.

Go find them in the real world, loving, serving, and sacrificing for their communities.

Warmly,

Mike Foster

P.S. If this was helpful, don’t click away without giving this post a like, comment, or share! Your engagement helps other people discover their Primal Question. I appreciate you!

P.P.S. Whenever you’re ready, here are a couple of ways to go deeper:

1. More than ever, I’m convinced of the importance of real mentors. Real advocates. Real role models.

People who have done their own inner work and can hold space for others to do theirs. If that’s something you want to become — whether you’re a coach, a counselor, or a leader who wants to have more powerful conversations with the people you lead — consider joining the next cohort of Primal Question PRO.

2. Do you know your Primal Question? If not, take the free assessment. It takes a few minutes and it will change how you see everything.

Photo by Erik Gevondyan on Unsplash