Why Marriage Advice Doesn't Work
After 30 years of marriage, here's 1 simple action item that has the "torque" to improve your relationship.
Good morning, friend.
If this is your first time here, welcome. Thousands of thoughtful, growth-minded people read along each week. Join them here.
My name is Mike Foster. If you’re not familiar with me, I’m an executive coach and counselor to all sorts of world-changers, from Navy Seals to non-profit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies. In short, I help people for a living.
I write this weekly newsletter to help you AND to help other coaches become more effective at helping others.
Today, I want to talk about a major problem…
Most of us are on a collision course toward a mediocre marriage.
The good news? There's still time. Whether you've just tied the knot or you've been navigating the waves of marriage for decades, every relationship has the opportunity to be rich, connecting, and extraordinary.
Don’t you want a thriving marriage?
Imagine having a relationship that your friends and family are jealous of. Imagine being the couple people see and secretly think, "I want a marriage like that!" In a world of bickering and divorce, imagine becoming the couple who gives others hope and belief in the beauty of marriage.
It sounds nice, right? Unfortunately, these types of relationships are the exception, not the norm. I hope this newsletter plays a small part in changing that.
Here's why most marriage advice fails (and what to do instead).
3 Reasons Most Marriage Advice Stinks
Reason #1: We’re offered clichés instead of potent truth.
Most marriage advice doesn't work because it’s chock-full of pithy phrases that have lost their meaning and power.
The marriage improvement industry has failed so many couples because it continually serves up "nothing burgers.” All bread. No meat. No substance.
You tell me, are these saving any marriages?
"Communicate is key!"
"Don't go to bed angry."
"Happy wife, happy life."
"Pick your battles."
“Let little things be little things.”
They might sound good, but they’re weak and flimsy.
Today, I’m going to give you an action item that actually has the torque to improve your marriage.
Reason #2: Your level of investment doesn't match the level of your problems.
Too often, we throw a half-hearted effort toward our most important priorities.
When I counsel couples, I hear a lot of complaints but no real plans. There's a lot of talk. A lot of book reading. A lot of podcast listening. But, unfortunately, not a lot of action.
I'm always perplexed by couples who say they want a successful marriage and then give me twelve excuses why they can't figure out how to go on a date night every week.
If you say your marriage is your number 1 priority and then tell me you don't have 1 or 2 hours per week to have fun and connect with your spouse, I simply do not believe you.
Bottom line: Want a better marriage? Prove it. Upgrade your level of investment in your time, energy, and (yes) money to match how much you say you care.
Reason #3: You're working on the branches and not the roots.
Most of us fixate on trivial things.
We treat cosmetic symptoms instead of getting laser-focused on the root problems. The real problem in your marriage is not that your spouse won't take out the trash, or that they're never ready to leave the house on time, or that they leave their socks on the floor.
Those are symptoms, not problems.
Branches, not roots.
The Real Solution: Understanding Your Spouse’s Core Driver
Can I brag for a sec?
My wife and I are 30 years in, and this thing just keeps getting better and better. We have new levels of intimacy and connection, and we understand each other in a whole new way. How? In the past few years, the Primal Question model has completely transformed the way we relate to each other.
What is the Primal Question?
Your Primal Question represents your Apex Emotional Need.
It’s the core driver of your life. It's the question you've been subconsciously asking that has driven every choice, decision, and relationship you've ever been in. After 5 years of research, 6,000 hours of interviews, and 100,000 assessments, I discovered that there are Seven Primal Questions.
Here’s what else I learned…
All relational conflict stems from a Primal Question being answered with a "No" or "Maybe."
When this happens, we enter what I call the Scramble.
Your need is like oxygen. You can’t live without it. The Scramble is all the unhealthy ways we try to force the answer back to a "Yes” to meet our need. People-pleasing. Passive-aggression. Perfectionism. Substance abuse. Codependency. You name it.
Here’s what’s fascinating.
Most of us are not in a relationship with our spouse.
We're primarily in a relationship with our spouse's Scramble. By answering their question with a YES, we can help them stay grounded and cultivate a healthier marriage.
What are The Seven Primal Questions?
Am I safe? — The need for physical and emotional safety
Am I secure? — The need for enough financial and relational resources
Am I loved? — The need to be seen, heard, and known
Am I wanted? — The need to be pursued and connected
Am I successful? — The need to feel like a winner and achieve success
Am I good enough? — The need to feel worthy and valued
Do I have a purpose? — The need to have an impact and meaning in life
We all have all seven, but at some point, ONE emerged as your Apex Emotional Need.
Here's the big idea: You cannot be in a healthy relationship with someone who continually answers your Primal Question with a "No" or a "Maybe." But the opposite is also true. You will have a mind-blowing, fulfilling relationship with someone who continually answers your Primal Question with a "Yes."
This is the secret to a thriving marriage.
Become a master at saying "Yes" to your spouse’s Primal Question.
Here’s your action item for today:
What is your spouse's Primal Question? (Take the free assessment.)
What are 2 ways you answer their Primal Question with a "NO"?
What are 2 ways you can answer their Primal Question with a “YES” every day?
Make a commitment to figure out how to give your spouse a thousand "Yeses" to their question, and watch what happens.
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. Was this helpful?
If so, please don’t click away without giving this post a like or comment. Share it with your spouse or a friend with this link. Your engagement helps other people discover their Primal Question. Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you!
P.P.S. Want to take your marriage from good to great?
Sign up for the Marriage Masterclass.