What's Your Relational Fight Style?
Godzilla vs. Turtle vs. Teddy Bear?
Understanding Your Fight Style
If you're a human in relationship with other humans, you're going to face conflict.
It might show up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, in the car ride home with your spouse, or in the office. Regardless of where it shows up, it will show up. The question is, how will we face conflict when it arises?
We all have a default fight style, most often learned from our families.
Think back to your childhood.
Maybe you grew up in a family where you never saw healthy fighting. Maybe you saw explosive, chaotic, perhaps even abusive conflict. Or maybe you grew up in a home where you never saw any conflict, where everything was shoved under the rug.
For better or worse, we all absorbed these patterns from our families.
Some of us embrace the same fight style we saw in our family.
Others revert to the opposite extreme. The important point to realize is: we learned our fight styles when we were kids. This means our fight style is based on “Kid Logic”. Now, when conflict arises as an adult, we default back to the same responses we learned as a kid.
Understanding this is crucial because it helps us realize that our current approach to conflict isn't set in stone. It's learned behavior, which means we have the power to unlearn it and develop healthier patterns.
The Two Most Common Fight Styles
In my years of coaching, I've noticed two primary fight styles that most people fall into. I like to call these the "Godzilla" and the "Turtle" styles.
Godzilla
Godzillas want to drop the gloves and fight.
Whenever there’s an argument, they want to attack the problem and deal with it right away. They’re intense and bring a lot of energy to the table. It's like they're breathing fire, ready to take on anything in their path.
On the other end of the spectrum, we've got the Turtles.
Turtle
Turtles want to escape to their shell and hide.
They tend to be slower processors. They retreat from conflict or try to ignore that anything happened. But don’t be mistaken, they still fight in their own way. Turtles use passive-aggressive communication to tear others down. Instead of facing conflict head-on, they make “drive-by” comments to chip away at the other person.
Understanding which style you lean towards (and which style your spouse or colleagues might use) can be a game-changer in how you resolve conflicts.
Now, I want to introduce you to a third fight style - one that I believe we should all strive to embrace.
Teddy Bear
The Teddy Bear style is all about being strong, yet soft and loving.
Instead of hiding behind explosive anger or snarky passivity, it’s about allowing the authentic self to come forward. Unlike the Godzilla and Turtle styles, which are unhealthy coping mechanisms from our early childhood, the Teddy Bear style invites the healthier, adult version of you to the conversation. When you embrace this fight style, you can stay strong in your boundaries, while keeping your heart open to understand the other person’s side.
Learning to navigate conflict isn't about avoiding arguments.
It's about strengthening our connections, deepening our understanding of each other, and growing as individuals. Remember, it's not about the rupture. It's about the repair. The fire-breathing dragon isn’t the best at repair. The turtle avoiding the conversation isn’t either.
But the Teddy Bear approach creates a safe space for both parties to express themselves and work towards a resolution.
Here's my challenge to you this week:
View conflict as an opportunity for self-reflection.
Before you get defensive or bring Godzilla to the table, look closely at yourself and take ownership of something. That's what healthy, emotionally mature people do - they first consider if there's some truth in what the other person is saying.
By doing this, you're taking the first step towards embodying that Teddy Bear style - soft yet strong, open yet grounded in your authentic self.
Warmly,
Mike Foster