What therapists (sometimes) get wrong about growth
Nobody should have to spend a decade in therapy to find clarity.
Good morning, friend.
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Today, I’m going to show you…
Why traditional therapy—while helpful—often misses a key element of transformation.
Let me start with this:
I go to therapy twice a month. I believe in it. I love my therapist. And I think every human being would benefit from having a safe space to process their story. But over the past two decades of coaching leaders, couples, creatives, and those navigating serious trauma, I’ve noticed something therapists often miss. Let’s unpack it together.
First of all, here’s why this matters…
The first time my client, Katy, heard her Primal Question, she told me, “I’ve been in therapy for ten years. I’ve tried everything. I tried to make it all make sense. And now it finally does.” 10 years in therapy.
At 2 sessions per month, that’s over 1,000 hours and $100k+. I’m all for therapy, but nobody should have to invest that much time and money to get clarity in their life.
Here’s my point:
You can spend years talking about your pain without ever healing it.
You can sit on a couch every week, gain incredible self-awareness, and still keep making the same self-sabotaging choices. And when that happens, you start wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I still stuck?” I want you to know: nothing is wrong with you.
But there may be something wrong with the map you’re using to navigate your growth.
If you don’t get this right, therapy can become a loop instead of a ladder.
You’ll keep going back to the same emotional pain without ever understanding what it means.
You’ll continue managing symptoms (anger, anxiety, addiction, shame) instead of healing the wound beneath them.
You’ll keep addressing behaviors and emotions—but never the need.
Where Most People (And Many Therapists) Go Wrong
Most therapy focuses on emotions and behaviors.
You’re taught to process your feelings. Explore your early childhood. Set boundaries. Use coping tools. And much, much more.
All of which is good.
But none of it addresses what I call the Apex Emotional Need—the core need you’ve been subconsciously trying to get met your entire life.
After 6 years of research, 100,000+ assessments, 22 group labs, and 6,000 interviews, here’s the pattern I see over and over in our lives:
We each have an Apex Emotional Need.
When it goes unmet, we feel emotions.
Those emotions lead to behaviors.
If we only address the feelings or behaviors without naming the underlying need?
We miss the most important part of the story.
I also want to make sure I give credit where credit is due.
Some therapists do focus on needs. And that’s great. But even then, they often don’t have the language to explain it or help you understand it. The beauty of the Primal Question model is not that it’s necessarily new or groundbreaking. The beauty is in the simplicity of the language.
It gives you clear, sticky language to help you hold onto and understand your complex inner world.
That said…
3 Core Truths Therapists Sometimes Miss
Point #1: Your behaviors are not the problem. They’re the adaptation.
When someone tells me, “I drink too much,” or “I always sabotage my relationships,” or “I just can’t stop overworking,” I don’t see a broken person—I see a brilliant strategist.
These aren’t random bad habits.
They’re strategies your younger self developed to meet an unmet emotional need.
You didn’t learn to overachieve because you love stress—you did it to try and prove that you’re good enough. You didn’t start people-pleasing because you lack boundaries—you did it so you’d feel wanted.
When we pathologize behavior instead of understanding it, we miss the genius of your inner child trying to survive, and we miss the opportunity to step in as the healthy adult to find better solutions.
Point #2: Emotions are smoke, not fire.
Most therapeutic models focus heavily on emotional regulation, and that’s important.
But emotions are signs, not destinations.
If you’re constantly anxious, that’s not your core issue. Anxiety is the smoke. We need to find the fire.
And more often than not, that fire is a Primal Question that has been answered with a big NO.
“Am I safe?”
“Am I secure?”
“Am I loved?”
“Am I wanted?”
“Am I successful?”
“Am I good enough?”
“Do I have a purpose?”
These are the real drivers. Until we name the question, we can’t live the answer.
Point #3: Therapy helps you see your past. The Primal Question helps you change your future.
Great therapy brings self-awareness.
But self-awareness alone doesn’t equal transformation. You need a new internal script. A new truth to live from. That’s why I teach people to move from Primal Question to Primal Truth:
“Am I safe?” → “I am safe.”
“Am I good enough?” → “I am enough.”
“Am I loved?” → “I am loved.”
You are not that little kid anymore. You are a healthy adult. You have the agency to get your need met. This is the ultimate form of self-leadership.
When you stop outsourcing the answer to your question, you reclaim your power.
And that’s when real growth begins.
Therapy is a powerful tool—but it’s not a silver bullet.
If it’s not integrated with a deep understanding of your core need, it can leave you stuck processing feelings for a decade instead of advancing in your life.
You’re not meant to spend the rest of your life coping. You’re meant to heal.
You’re not broken. You just need clarity.
Action Item:
Take 10 minutes today and ask yourself:
“Which of the Seven Primal Questions am I asking the world every day?”
Write it down. Say it out loud. Then ask yourself:
“What if I could answer this for myself instead of waiting for someone else to?”
That’s the beginning of freedom.
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. If you're in therapy, keep going. I'm cheering you on.
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