Hey friend,
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
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A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I asked my wife to grade me on a scale of 1-10 as her husband.
The short version: she gave me an 8 out of 10, but the whole point of the exercise was the follow-up question — “How do I get to a 9?” She was very clear with me: “I don’t love your intensity during the work week. It’s like I lose you Sunday night, and I don’t get you back until the weekend.”
I promised her I’d work on it, so today, I want to share how I’m applying her feedback to become a better husband after 31 years of marriage.
Here’s what I’ve realized.
There are two very different types of energy you can bring to your day.
Prove It Energy vs. Flow Energy
Prove It Energy is when you show up to life like you’re trying to prove something to the world. It surfaces when you feel like there’s something valuable at stake. You sense that you must perform at the highest level to secure the thing that feels like it’s at risk.
In Prove It Energy, failure is not an option.
Every meeting has to be a grand slam.
Every project has to be amazing.
Everything feels urgent and high-stakes.
When you’re in Prove It Energy, you’re in a hurry. You’re hustling. You’re pushing. You’re bracing for the day like a soldier preparing for battle.
Flow Energy is the opposite.
It’s the energy you bring to life when you know you already have everything you need. In Flow Energy, you’re not gearing up to prove yourself because you know you’re already secure. You’re free to be relaxed, open, and relational. You recognize that not every swing has to be a grand slam because the game is not always on the line. Base hits count, too.
The reason I bring so much intensity to my work week is that I’m showing up in Prove It Energy instead of Flow Energy.
4 Steps I’m Following to Get Out of Prove It Energy (to Become a Better Husband)
After Jen gave me this feedback, the first question I had to answer was: “Why do I get so intense in the first place? What am I trying to prove during the week?”
If you’re familiar with my work, you know where this is going.
Step 1: Awareness of My Own Primal Question
Again, when you’re in Prove It Energy, you’re operating under the belief that something is at risk. The natural response is to do whatever it takes to secure that something for yourself. 9 times out of 10, that something is your Primal Question.
My Primal Question is #1: “Am I safe?”
That means my intensity during the week has nothing to do with…
Becoming the best coach on earth (Q5)
Transforming as many lives as possible (Q7)
Getting my clients to like me or approve of me (Q4)
It has everything to do with securing my core need for safety.
The main strategy I use to secure my need for safety is becoming more financially secure. That’s why my work feels very, very important. Every Sunday night, the 8-year-old inside me starts asking, “Am I safe?”, and I reach for control by stepping into Prove It Energy.
All of my attention, all of my energy, funnels into one mission — create outstanding results for all my clients to secure my need for safety.
That means very little is left over at the end of the day.
Step 2: Awareness of My Wife’s Primal Question
The next step is to recognize how this is impacting the other people around me.
Namely, my wife. Jen has a completely different Primal Question, which means she experiences my behavior through a completely different lens. Her Primal Question is #5: “Am I loved?”
Here’s how the week looks from her side.
I’m locked in my office at 6 AM for my first coaching call.
I’m in back-to-back coaching sessions until about 3 PM.
I drive to the gym to get out of my head and reconnect to my body.
When I get home, I’m already thinking about tomorrow’s sessions.
She’s cooking dinner, and I hardly notice. We sit down to eat, and I forget to ask about her day because I’m already focused on getting ready for tomorrow’s coaching sessions. You know what all of that is?
A big fat NO to her Primal Question.
“Am I loved?” is all about being seen and heard.
And because I’m so locked in on my own need, I’m missing her’s. Even if I do a great job of answering her question with a “yes” on the weekends, my weekday intensity means I’m giving a “no” to her most important need in life the majority of the time.
That’s not okay with me, so here’s the growth path.
Step 3: Answer My Own Question With a “Yes”
Again, the root of all this is fear about my own need.
It’s Kid Logic telling me that my safety is at risk if I don’t hit a grand slam on every coaching call, every day. The Adult Wisdom move is to FLOW from the truth: I’m already safe. I’m already financially secure. I’m good at what I do. I create results for clients just by being who I am.
In fact, I might create better results for them if I show up in a flow state.
There is no urgent threat.
When I stay grounded in the truth about my own need, I don’t have to prove anything. And guess what happens? All of that mental energy that was being consumed in “Prove It” mode gets freed up for others.
Step 4: Answer Her Question With a “Yes”
With this freed-up mental energy, I’ve been on the lookout for small moments of connection with Jen during the week.
Nothing big, nothing flashy. I just jump in where I can. When I was in “Prove It” mode, I would see Jen cooking dinner and treat it like a free window to read another psychology book to sharpen my coaching skills. Now, I view it as a chance to connect with her in small ways: prepping a salad, doing the dishes, or just asking her how her day was.
That’s it.
It’s not rocket science, but it’s vital to move from awareness to action.
Speaking of action, here’s how you can apply this principle to your life this week.
Grab a journal and spend some time reflecting on the following questions.
What is your Primal Question? (If you don’t know, take the assessment.)
What do you do when you’re in Prove It Energy? (List 3-5 actions.)
How is your Prove It Energy impacting the people in your life? (You can ask them.)
What do you think your week would look like if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that your Primal Question is answered with a YES? (Define what Flow Energy would look like for you.)
This week, when you catch yourself hurrying, hustling, grinding, proving… pause and ask: What am I trying to prove? What need am I trying to secure?
Then, list out all the ways that need is already being met in your life.
That’s how you step into Flow Energy.
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. Was this helpful in any way? If so, I’d love for you to take a moment to join the conversation by commenting your main takeaway! I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I've read your book twice, taken the assessment several times. Which primal Q am I if I need to feel special, that I'm not like others, that I am productive and talented. That seems to drive me. And I can't seem to get out of it, as much as I affirm that it is enough to be loved by God....which leads me to think "Am I loved?"
Excellent!
Great way to share your gift with others! I shared it with others! Thanks