Want to Lead? Become a "YES" Dealer.

How to lead without a big title, and why true influence is local.

Hey friend,

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

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I was on a podcast recently, and the host asked me a great question…

“If you were sitting across from a young leader, and they asked: How do I lead without a big title or formal authority? What would you tell them?”

I’ve been involved in some form of leadership for 25+ years.

• I’ve led in ministry settings.

• I helped build a design firm for 10 years.

• I now lead a small team at Primal Question.

And I spend 6+ hours per day, every day, helping high-performing leaders navigate high-stakes situations as an Executive Coach.

Throughout all of these roles, I’d say the thing I’ve been least interested in is my title.

I do not care about titles. At all. Even early in my career, I always felt that your title doesn’t qualify you or disqualify you from true leadership. I’ve met people with “President” on their business card who are very poor leaders, and some of the best leaders I’ve ever met are nowhere near the top of an org chart.

In my mind, True Leadership boils down to one word: Influence.

How are you influencing the people, culture, and environment around you?

By this definition, every person is a leader because every person has some level of influence. The question is never, “Am I a leader?” or “Will I ever become a leader?” The question is, “What am I doing with the influence I already have?”

Here’s where many leaders get stuck.

They wait for someone else to take their influence seriously..

They wait for someone to hand it to them. They wait for someone to say, “You’re worthy to lead now. You’ve earned it.” The truth is, you don’t need permission from anyone.

In fact, no one will take your influence seriously until you do.

And if you’re waiting for permission now, I have news for you.

You’ll still be waiting for permission even when you have the title. You will still be stuck in a pattern of believing that your authority to influence comes from “out there”. From someone else.

The title doesn’t flip a switch inside of you.

You have to flip the switch and lead yourself first. You have to believe, “My current level of influence matters, and I’m going to make the most of it.” Which brings up another common misconception about leadership.

I think we get confused about size and scale.

We think bigger is better.

More followers. More direct reports. More reach. More impact. We think our influence has to be viral to be important.

But is that really true?

As I think about my own life, my most important influence isn’t my work. Someday, I will pass away. My social media accounts will be deactivated. My keynote talks will be forgotten. My businesses will be shut down. Most of the books I wrote will end up in a landfill somewhere.

It’s vital for me to remember that my most important influence is completely local.

Local to this house I’m sitting in right now. My wife. My kids. My friends. My neighbors. The people I interact with every single day.

And here’s what’s ironic.

In those local settings, we typically have a lot of power, control, and influence.

It’s when we place ourselves into big organizations or large churches that we feel like we have less. Sometimes when you have a big position in a big organization, you actually have less control over your influence. There’s bureaucracy. Layers of people and processes between you and the people you’re trying to impact.

But in your home? In your friendships? In your small team? You can do a lot of good. Right here. Right now. Even if your business card doesn’t say “President” on it.

The question is, what kind of influence will you have on the people around you?

True Leaders are “Yes” dealers.

The most powerful and simple way you can influence people in your local community is by becoming the type of person who answers their Primal Question with a “yes.”

If you’re not familiar with the Primal Question, you can learn more here. But in short, a person’s Primal Question represents the deep emotional need driving their life. They’re walking through life, every day, asking whether that need is going to be met.

The people closest to them are either answering it with a “yes,” a “no,” or a “maybe.”

One of the most powerful ways to influence the world for good is by becoming a “yes dealer”.

Here are 3 categories to think about.

1. Your Marriage

What’s your spouse’s Primal Question? If you don’t know, have them take the free assessment.

I’ve been married for 31 years. We’ve had a major level up in our relationship in the last 7 years since we started talking about each other’s Primal Questions. I know the same will be true for you.

If you want to be a great leader, forget a promotion.

This is your next level of influence: learn how to give your spouse 1,000 yeses.

2. Your Family (and Extended Family)

Family dynamics can be really hard.

Have you ever had that moment when you go back home and suddenly, you’re back to your teenage self? Same arguments. Same patterns. Same triggers. The same old drama. This is one of the hardest areas to stay grounded and exercise healthy influence.

But here’s something to try.

What if, at the next gathering, you stopped wishing your family would change? What if you stopped waiting for them to answer your Primal Question and started focusing on their Primal Question? What if you became the one person in the family who is dealing out “yeses”?

3. Your Friendships

Make a list of your 3-5 closest friends.

Now ask yourself: do you know what they need most? Not what you’d want if you were them. What they need. Because here’s what I’ve learned.

We tend to give people what we need, not what they need.

If your Primal Question is safety, you’ll try to make people feel safe. If it’s purpose, you’ll try to make people feel significant. That’s your gift, and it’s beautiful, but it might not be what your friend is actually asking for.

Great friends know their friends’ Primal Questions and answer them with a resounding YES.

4. Your Teammates

I work with large companies like Chick-fil-A on this stuff, and here’s what I always tell leaders.

Think about your top performer. The person you absolutely cannot afford to lose. Now ask yourself: do you know their Primal Question? Because if you don’t, you are probably answering it with a “no” without even realizing it, and they’re updating their resume.

Every accidental “no” pushes them one step closer to the door.

Learn their question. Start answering it with a “yes.” That’s how you keep your best people.

Friend, you already have influence.

You don’t need a bigger platform, a corner office, or permission from anyone else.

I’ve spent most of my career trying to build things. Books. Businesses. Brands. I’m grateful for all of it, and I’m still building. But the older I get, the more I realize that my greatest contribution to this world will not be anything I built.

It will be how I made people feel.

Not on the internet or from a stage, but locally.

Did my wife feel loved? Did my kids feel wanted? Did my friends feel safe? Did the people on my team know their contributions mattered?

That kind of leadership doesn’t require a platform. All it requires is your attention. Your curiosity. Your willingness to practice Self Leadership to meet your own need, so you can focus on theirs.

Become a “yes dealer”, and you will have more influence than most.

To your growth,

Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful? If so, please don’t click away without leaving a like or comment. Your engagement helps other people discover their Primal Question :)

P.P.S. Want to learn more about The Seven Primal Questions?

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