Toxic Gratitude
How to spot and avoid toxic gratitude.
Gratitude is transformative.
It has the power to reduce stress, improve mental health, and strengthen our relationships. Studies even show that practicing gratitude can rewire our brains to focus on the positive, helping us navigate life with more clarity and peace.
Here are just a few benefits of gratitude:
It builds emotional resilience, helping us bounce back from challenges.
It fosters deeper connections with the people we care about.
It enhances our overall well-being, allowing us to experience more joy and less anxiety.
Gratitude matters. It’s a cornerstone of emotional freedom and growth.
But, as with anything powerful, there’s a flip side.
The Problem With Toxic Gratitude
Not all gratitude is healthy.
Enter toxic gratitude—a subtle but harmful twist on an otherwise life-giving practice. Toxic gratitude happens when gratitude is misapplied. It can be used to suppress genuine emotions, avoid accountability, or excuse unhealthy situations.
Instead of freeing us, toxic gratitude keeps us stuck.
Leigh Smith, one of our master coaches in the Primal Question Coach Certification, recently gave an incredible training on this topic. Her insights are too valuable not to share. Let’s explore what toxic gratitude looks like and how to avoid it so you can lean into the real stuff.
What Does Toxic Gratitude Look Like?
Here are a few ways toxic gratitude might show up in your life and how to approach these situations differently:
1. Minimizing Real Challenges
Looks Like: Telling yourself, “I should be grateful because others have it way worse than me.”
Why It’s Harmful: This mindset invalidates your pain and suggests that your struggles don’t matter. Gratitude becomes a way to silence your discomfort instead of addressing it.
What to Do Instead: Start by acknowledging your challenges. Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. Yes, others have it hard, but that doesn't mean you're bullet proof. Remind yourself, “It’s okay to be struggling right now. Gratitude doesn’t mean I have to ignore my emotions.”
2. Avoiding Accountability
Looks Like: “I’m grateful I have this job, so it’s not worth speaking up about the long hours or poor treatment.”
Why It’s Harmful: Gratitude used this way can stop you from reflecting on areas where growth or change is needed.
What to Do Instead: Pair gratitude with responsibility. Ask yourself, “What’s one step I can take to improve this situation, while still being grateful for what I have?”
3. Forcing Positivity
Looks Like: Feeling pressured to “just count your blessings” when experiencing something difficult like a job loss.
Why It’s Harmful: This mindset dismisses legitimate emotions and creates a toxic “good vibes only” culture, leaving you disconnected from yourself.
What to Do Instead: Instead of forcing yourself to move on, pause and reflect. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel upset. Gratitude will come easier once I’ve processed my real feelings.”
4. Neglecting Boundaries
Looks Like: Staying in an unhealthy relationship because, “At least I’m not alone, and it could be worse.”
Why It’s Harmful: Gratitude in this context can make you tolerate unhealthy situations or relationships, leading to self-neglect and burnout.
What to Do Instead: Balance gratitude with self-respect. You might say to yourself, “I’m grateful for what I’ve learned from this, but I also need to set boundaries to protect my well-being.”
5. Stifling Ambition
Looks Like: Believing, “I should be grateful for what I have and not want more.”
Why It’s Harmful: Gratitude isn’t meant to suppress your dreams. Overemphasizing contentment can stop you from pursuing personal growth and goals.
What to Do Instead: Use gratitude to fuel your ambition. Tell yourself, “I’m grateful for where I am, and I’m excited for what’s next.”
How to Cultivate Authentic Gratitude
Authentic gratitude doesn’t ignore challenges.
It helps you find meaning in them. It’s honest about your emotions, respects your boundaries, and inspires growth. Here’s a simple practice to help:
Take a few moments to journal this week.
Are there times I’ve dismissed my feelings under the guise of gratitude?
Have I used gratitude to avoid dealing with a difficult situation?
How can I lean into gratitude as a way to grow and heal?
Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools we have for personal growth. But it only works when it’s authentic. By avoiding toxic gratitude, you can create space for the real kind—the kind that heals, strengthens, and inspires.
Remember, gratitude isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff. It’s about finding meaning in the midst of it.
You’ve got this.
Warmly,
Mike Foster