By 3 o’clock on Thanksgiving afternoon, everyone is scattered across the living room, looking at a different screen.
We’ve been planning this all year. The food took days to prepare. Some of us got on planes to get here. Yet here we are: the football game is on in one room, a movie in the next, and phones are glowing in every lap. The people we traveled miles to see are now sitting three feet away, but we’re looking for Black Friday deals and scrolling Instagram Reels we could be watching at home.
What if this year was different?
We say the thing we want most is each other.
Every November, the American Psychiatric Association asks Americans what they’re looking forward to over the holidays. Last year, 61 percent gave the same answer: seeing family and friends. Not the food. Not the time off. The thing we’re most looking forward to is seeing our people.
But hold that number up against the living room I just described.
We say we want to be together, but once we’re finally under one roof, we go through the same motions.
The Macy’s Day Parade.
The dog show.
The football game.
Watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (again).
A few hours later, we’re hugging in the driveway, saying how good it was to connect… even though we know we didn’t.
I think the problem of “family disconnection” is a lot less existential than it seems. If you were to ask everyone in the room: Do you wish your family really knew you? Or do you want to get to know each of your family members a little better?
I think everyone would say yes.
We’re not lacking love. We’re lacking a plan.
I mean, think about it. There’s a plan for everything else.
Somebody owns the turkey. Somebody owns the rolls. Somebody has made the same pie every year since 2009. We plan arrival times, sleeping arrangements, and who sits where—some of us even have fancy name cards.
But for the one thing we said we were most excited about?
We have no plan at all.
We go around the table and ask, “What are you grateful for?” and that’s it. It’s sort of a shame. Everyone in the room has been growing and changing all year, and we have no plan to learn anything new about them. Without a plan or a prompt, everyone defaults to the easiest thing available, and the easiest thing in any room today is a screen.
If you want to really connect with your people this year, somebody has to bring a better plan.
Since you’re the one reading this, I want to invite you to initiate a Primal Question Night.
Primal Question makes it easy and fun to learn something new about each other.
If you’re new around here, here’s the short version: Every person has one question driving their life. We call it their Primal Question. It’s the core driver underneath how they think, feel, and act.
When you know everyone’s Primal Question, relationships get easier.
You respect their strengths more because you understand where they come from.
You take their reactions less personally because you can see the question underneath.
You finally know how to talk to them in a way they can actually hear.
Wouldn’t you love to know the one question driving each person at your dinner table?
That’s what a Primal Question Night is all about!
Quick disclaimer: If you’ve been following me for a while, you know Primal Question can go deep, fast. That’s a gift in a coaching session, but it’s not what most families need between the parade and the pumpkin pie.
To be clear, I’m not asking you to turn your living room into a therapy session. There’s a way to have this conversation that keeps things light, fun, and interesting, while still helping you learn something new about everyone in the room.
Here’s how!
How to Facilitate a Primal Question Night and Learn Something New About Everyone in the Room
I’m going to give you three steps to set up beforehand and three questions to ask everyone.
Step 1: Get everyone their own Primal Question Profile.
On November 16, we’re launching something new that will help you handle the holidays: the Primal Question Profile. It’s a 32-page personalized report created from each person’s unique assessment results. It walks them through their Primal Question, their relational strengths, their communication style, and more.
Here’s how to set it up for your family.
On November 16, buy your own Profile. Then, at checkout, add one extra Profile for each person who will be part of the conversation.
Until Cyber Monday, you can get 20% off your Profile and 50% off every extra Profile you add for your family.
Step 2: Send everyone your custom discount code.
Once you’ve purchased the extra Profiles, we’ll email you a 100% off discount code. Each person in your family can use that code to get their Profile for free, because you’ve already covered it. All you have to do is pass along the simple instructions (which we will share with you).
Step 3: Have everyone read their Profile.
Ideally, everyone reads theirs beforehand, so the night can be about talking instead of reading. But if someone forgets, it’s not a big deal. The Profile is quick to read and easy to understand. They can pull it up on their phone and jump right in.
Friends, you’re going to spend money on something over the holidays.
Maybe it’s movie tickets. Maybe it’s a Black Friday deal. I invite you to put a little of that time and money toward connecting with the people you love.
That’s the setup.
Now for the night itself.
3 Questions to Ask on Primal Question Night
Once everyone has read their Profile (or at least skimmed it), go around the table one question at a time. Let each person share as much or as little as they want.
Question 1: What is your strongest need?
Start simple and ask a few basic questions:
“What does your Profile say is your strongest need?”
“Does that feel true to you?”
“How does your result compare to other assessments you’ve taken?”
“What does your profile say is your second strongest need?”
Let everyone share their gut reaction to their results.
Question 2: What is your Primal Gift?
Everyone’s Primal Question wires them with a unique relational strength.
Ask, “What does your Profile say your Primal Gift is? Where do you see that strength show up?”
Then, let everyone else chime in! This might be the best part of the night, because most of us rarely hear the strengths other people see in us. Tell your mom where you’ve watched her gift show up. Tell your brother. Tell your sister-in-law. You might be surprised how much it means to them.
Question 3: What’s your communication style?
Your Primal Question shapes what you hear when people talk to you and what you say back.
Ask, “What does your Profile say about how to communicate with you? Is that accurate?”
This one might save you an argument or two before Christmas 🙂.
Bonus Question: What’s a great gift to give you this year?
The holidays are right around the corner, so use this conversation as a way to brainstorm great gifts for each other.
Ask, “What kind of gift would answer your Primal Question with a yes?”
That’s it!
You can make this a 15-minute conversation at dinner or set aside a couple of hours to go deeper, whatever works best for your people.
Friends, you can still watch the parade and the game and scour the internet for great deals. I’ll be doing some of that, too. But what if, in addition to all of that, you set aside a little bit of time to learn something new about the people you’ve known the longest?
Primal Question Profile will help with that, so you don’t have to come up with something all on your own.
Mark your calendar for November 16.
My team and I are putting the finishing touches on what we’ve been building all year, and I cannot wait to get this into your hands!
To you and your people, may you connect in a new way this year.
Mike Foster
P.S. This could be fun: what if we brainstorm ideas together in the comments?
If it was up to you, how would you turn Primal Question into a fun activity or intentional conversation with your people? If you have ideas, share them in the comments so we can all benefit!
P.P.S. Interested in doing a version of this? Share this post with your people!
Fantastic idea!!!