Stop Trying to Change Your Life
Instead, focus on this one thing and watch everything change.
I love the New Year.
I love the fresh start, the reflection, and the possibility of doing life differently. As the new year kicks off, many of us are thinking about what we should start or stop. We're making resolutions and setting big goals to change our lives.
The problem is, most of those goals won't stick. And it's not because you lack willpower or discipline. It's because you're focusing on the wrong thing.
Here's your invitation today:
Stop trying so hard to change your life.
Instead, focus on this one thing and watch your life change.
Every January, people make resolutions to change their behavior:
I'll quit scrolling Instagram late at night
I'll stop fighting with my spouse
I'll start going to the gym
But it's a strategy destined for failure. Why? Because behaviors are symptoms.
They're the result of something much deeper. If you've been reading my work for a while, you know where I'm going with this. It might sound like a broken record, but it's worth repeating:
The Driving Force of Your Life is an Unmet Need.
Not your behaviors. Not your emotions. An unmet need. When you focus on meeting that need, everything changes.
So let's take it back to the basics of the Seven Primal Questions.
1. You Have a Primal Question That is Driving Your Life
It's a core emotional need that controls your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
This question forms in childhood, based on your early experiences. And whether you realize it or not, it's been running in the background of your life ever since. You ask this question every day, in every situation—at work, in your relationships, even when you're alone.
When your Primal Question is answered with a yes, you feel grounded and secure.
2. When It is Answered with a “No”, You Scramble
Let me tell you about a time I went into the scramble.
A friend of mine showed up at my house to show me his brand-new Tesla. He invited me for a ride, and before I knew it, he hit the accelerator and launched us into "Ludicrous Mode." I went into full panic.
My body tensed, my heart raced, and I couldn't breathe. I
kept yelling, "Kevin, stop!" But he just laughed and kept the pedal floored.
That reaction wasn't about the car—it was my Primal Question getting triggered. My Primal Question is, "Am I safe?" And in that moment, my brain registered, "No, you are not safe." So I scrambled. My nervous system went into overdrive, trying to force a yes to that question.
Your scramble might look different, but the mechanism is the same:
Maybe you're a "Am I good enough?" person who overworks to prove yourself
Maybe you're a "Am I wanted?" person who does anything to avoid rejection
Whatever your Primal Question is, when it's answered with a no, you Scramble. You do whatever it takes to make yourself feel okay again.
3. Most Resolutions Are Just Scramble Strategies
Here's where New Year's resolutions go wrong:
Most of them are designed to fix the Scramble.
You start the new diet because you're scrambling to feel loved. You work late because you're scrambling to feel good enough. You control everything because you're scrambling to feel safe.
But it doesn’t work because resolutions that focus on fixing behaviors don't get to the unmet need.
And if you don't address the root issue those behaviors will keep coming back.
4. True Change Happens When You Meet Your Core Need
If you want to see real change this year, don't focus on your behaviors. Focus on meeting your core emotional need in healthy ways.
When you can consistently answer your Primal Question with a yes, everything changes:
Instead of overworking to feel good enough, you affirm your worth through self-compassion
Instead of controlling everything to feel safe, you practice letting go and trusting others
Instead of people-pleasing to feel loved, you show yourself love through healthy boundaries
You don't have to scramble anymore. You can meet your needs without exhausting yourself or burning out.
Take five minutes this week to reflect on your New Year's goals.
Ask yourself: What unmet need is this goal trying to meet?
Once you've identified the need, brainstorm healthier ways to meet it—ways that don't involve scrambling.
Warmly,
Mike
P.S. Want to discover your Primal Question and learn how it drives your life? Grab a copy of my book, The Seven Primal Questions. It’s available in print, audio, or ebook format.