Stop "Phubbing" Your Spouse
46 percent of people have reported that they’ve been phubbed by their partner.
Have you ever heard the term phubbing before?
Phubbing is a combination of the words phone and snubbing. It describes that moment when someone pays more attention to their phone than to you. Studies estimate we check our phones about 150 times per day. And 46 percent of people have reported that they’ve been phubbed by their partner.
Ouch! If she checks Instagram while you’re talking to her—you’ve just been phubbed. If he checks a text message as you tell him about your day—he phubbed you. It seems in our modern times it’s nearly impossible to give someone our full attention.
We’ve found that three things give you a sense of satisfaction with your relationship: accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.
But this is really hard, isn’t it?
On many nights at the Foster house, we hop into bed after a long day, and instead of connecting with each other, we connect with our technology.
The only “accessibility” we’re concerned with is our Wi-Fi access. I pop onto my iPhone and scroll my Instagram feed. I feverishly double-tap photos of my friends’ dogs and sappy inspirational quotes. I peruse the news and reply to some late-night emails. Meanwhile, Jennifer grabs her iPad and watches her favorite show, Gilmore Girls, on Netflix…with her headphones on.
Can you relate?
Well, that’s why the goal is to learn a new strategy called relational nowness.
This is where we put away our phones and fully occupy the moment with our partner. Relational nowness gives your partner the gift of presence. You communicate love, concern, and value when you do this.
It says, “Our connection in this moment is more important than anything else.”
Even if it’s only for just a few minutes, relational nowness can create powerful intimacy.
It connects you together. Because as philosopher Dallas Willard put it, “The first act of love is always the giving of attention.”3 What does relational nowness look like, practically? Let me break it down into three principles.
When you’re with your partner, you want your actions to communicate these three things:
1. “I see you.”
2. “I hear you.”
3. “What you’re telling me is important.”
This is your new game plan when you’re together.
Consider the words you use. Think about your body language. Make direct eye contact. Practice active listening. And of course, avoid all those phubbing-type habits.
Relational nowness is resisting the temptation to “fix” something; it’s about trying to “feel” something.
The win here is presence, not problem-solving.
Recognizing Bids
Dr. John Gottman, who has spent his career studying thousands of couples, discovered a fascinating trait among the happiest couples. He found they were sensitive to what he calls bids for attention.
For example, one man was a bird enthusiast.
He said to his wife, “Come check out this goldfinch outside the window!” She obliged and looked at the bird even though birds weren’t her thing. In other words, she responded to his bid for attention. It only lasted a moment and may seem unimportant, but the act of recognizing your partner’s “bids” is a major predictor of happy couples.
The more responsive you are, the more irresistible you become.
When you notice a bid, it conveys you are present in the moment.
When you notice them it conveys to the other, “I see you, I hear you, and what you’re telling me matters.” Gottman found that happy couples responded to these “bids” nine out of ten times. The couples who ignored them, or responded with annoyance and hostility, typically were divorced within six years.4
How do you have a close relationship? It starts with being there. Fully there. Dial in and occupy your relationship.
Start practicing relational nowness… now.
No more phubbing, just loving.
Here’s your action item this week:
When someone talks to you (especially your spouse), put down your phone and look them in the eye.
Don’t finish the text. Don’t keep scrolling on Instagram. Don’t keep watching the YouTube video. Show the person you’re with that you care more about them than what’s on your screen.
This simple act can go a long way to improve your relationships.
To your happy, healthy marriage,
Mike Foster