Stop Judging Your Needs, Start Meeting Them
You aren't serving anyone by shoving them down.
Unmet needs are the hidden force driving 99% of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Yet, many of us struggle to acknowledge and meet these needs in healthy ways. Why? Because of shame and judgment.
Many of us have been conditioned to view having needs as a weakness.
Society, family dynamics, and even religious teachings can reinforce the idea that we shouldn't have needs or that expressing them is selfish. We shouldn’t be focused on ourselves, right? We should be meeting others’ needs. This type of thinking leads to a cycle of suppressing our needs, which in turn, wreaks havoc on our lives.
Here's the truth:
You Aren't Serving Anyone By Ignoring Your Needs.
It's not a question of "if" you have needs. We all have them. It's whether or not you know what they are and know how to meet them.
I can assure you, if you do not learn to meet your needs in healthy ways, you will find ways to meet them in unhealthy ways. When we don't acknowledge our needs, we don't eliminate them.
We simply force them to find expression in less healthy ways.
If you don't have the courage to tell your spouse about your need to feel wanted, you might seek that affirmation in unhealthy ways from someone else. If you don't own your need to feel good enough, you might keep numbing with alcohol after long days at work.
Any area where you think, "Why do I keep doing that when I know it's not good for me?" is probably linked to an unmet need you're unwilling to acknowledge.
Stop Judging Your Needs, Start Meeting Them
Here's a simple process to help you do just that:
1. Recognize Your Need
Start by asking yourself, "What do I need right now?"
This simple question can unlock profound insights. Look beyond surface-level behaviors and try to identify the underlying emotional or psychological need that's driving them. Don't judge your needs - simply acknowledge them.
Here’s a list of the Seven Primal Questions, which represent our seven primary needs:
Am I Safe?
Am I Secure
Am I Loved?
Am I Wanted?
Am I Successful?
Am I Good Enough?
Do I Have a Purpose?
2. Overcome the Shame
Understand that having needs is not a weakness or a flaw.
Many of us have grown up in environments where certain needs were judged or dismissed. Recognize that these judgments are not truths, but learned perspectives that can be changed. Your needs are valid and addressing them is crucial for your well-being.
3. Identify a Small, Actionable Step
Believe it or not, meeting your needs often doesn't require massive life changes.
As I've seen with clients, we actually don't need a lot to have our apex emotional need met. It might be as simple as having a conversation with your spouse or taking a day off. Focus on one small, achievable action that directly addresses your identified need.
4. Take Action Proactively
Once you've identified a small step, be proactive in making it happen.
This might mean asking for what you need or making a decision to prioritize your need. Remember, it may feel big or scandalous because of the shame we've attached to our needs. But taking this step is crucial for your growth and well-being.
Your Action Item:
Grab a pen and paper and set a timer for 10 minutes.
Choose a recent "regrettable event" - maybe you broke your diet, had an emotional outburst, or fell into an old habit you've been trying to break. Reflect on this moment and ask yourself, "Which of the 7 primal questions was I trying to answer by doing that?"
This simple exercise can reveal the unmet need driving your actions and help you find healthier ways to fulfill it.
By acknowledging your needs and finding healthy ways to meet them, you can transform your life and relationships. It's time to stop judging your needs and start meeting them in ways that truly serve you.
Warmly,
Mike Foster