[Part 8] Healthy Adulting 101

Money Kid Logic: "More money will solve my problems."

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

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Last week, we talked about Healthy Adulting in relationships.

Today, we’re wrapping up the Healthy Adulting 101 series with one final topic: money.

“I just can’t find the time to invest in my marriage.”

That’s what my client told me in a recent coaching session.

He’s the Founder and CEO of his own company. Smart. Driven. Successful by any external measure, but he came to me because his marriage was struggling. We were trying to think through different ways he could prioritize his relationship, but he kept saying the same thing over and over.

“I’m just too busy. I don’t know where I’ll find the time. It’s out of my control.”

That’s the phrase he kept using: “it’s out of my control.”

You know what I told him? That’s B.S. Complete nonsense. You see, this client’s net worth is in the tens of millions of dollars.

So I told him straight up:

“You own your company. You set your own schedule. You’re at a financial place in your life where you get to choose what you do with your time. Most people don’t get a choice. They work the shifts they’re assigned. But you? You have enough money to control your time, so are you really going to tell me you don’t have time to prioritize your marriage?”

Here’s what fascinated me about that conversation.

He’s not alone.

The reason I’m sharing this story is to show you that the same Kid Logic exists at all levels of wealth.

Kid Logic says, “More money will solve my problems.”

You might be reading this thinking, “Uh, yeah, Mike. I don’t have tens of millions. More money actually would solve my problems.”

I get it.

But I’ve sat across from enough multi-millionaires and billionaires to tell you: it just isn’t true.

Let me be clear. Money matters. Researcher Daniel Kahneman studied 450,000 American households and found that day-to-day happiness increases with income, up to about $75,000 to $100,000 a year. Beyond that, more money doesn’t make you significantly happier in your day-to-day life. If you’re struggling to pay rent or put food on the table, more money obviously helps. I’m not dismissing that.

But beyond that?

More money just doesn’t solve what we think it’s going to solve for us.

The reality is, the target just keeps moving.

• The person making $75K thinks, “If I could just hit six figures, I’d finally feel secure.”

• The person making $200K thinks, “If I could just get to half a million, I could take my foot off the gas.”

• And the person worth $10 million? They’re still anxious. Still worried. Still running the numbers at 2 am. Still stressed that it’s all going to come crumbling down.

The anxiety you feel at $50K follows you to $500K and $500 million.

The insecurity doesn’t go away on its own. It follows you into your nicer zip code.

Adult Wisdom says, “The solution is internal, not external.”

We don’t actually want more money.

We want what we think money will give us. Security. Freedom. Peace of mind. Respect. Proof that we’ve made it. The ability to finally relax.

But none of those things come from more zeroes in your bank account.

This is where the Primal Question comes in.

What we think money will give us is almost always connected to our deepest emotional need.

• If your Primal Question is “Am I safe?”, you think more money means a bigger cushion for emergencies. A safer neighborhood. Protection from the unknown.

• If your Primal Question is “Am I loved?”, you think more money means you can provide more for your family. Give more gifts. Create more experiences and memories. If you could provide enough, they would see how much you love them, and you would feel more connected.

• If your question is “Am I successful?”, you think more money is the scoreboard. The proof. The validation that you’re winning and that you chose the right path.

• If your question is “Do I have a purpose?”, you think more money means more resources for impact. More generosity. More non-profits. More initiatives. More lives changed. And of course, the more lives you change, the more your life matters, right?

Whatever your Primal Question is, there’s a good chance you’ve been trying to buy a “yes” to it.

The problem is, you can’t purchase what you already have. No amount of money can convince you of the truth that’s already available to you if you’re unwilling to receive it.

Your Action Item For This Week:

First, identify what you really want from more money.

Not the money itself. What do you think it will give you? Security? Freedom? Peace? Respect? Get honest with yourself. Write it down.

Second, connect it to your Primal Question.

How is that desire connected to your deepest emotional need? Are you trying to buy a “yes” to your question? Have you ever tried this before? What was the result?

Third, ask yourself: Can money actually give me this?

Or is this an inside job? Is there a way to meet this need that doesn’t require a single dollar?

Kid Logic says the answer is “out there”. More toys. More stuff. More money.

Healthy Adults know the answer is “in here”.

Your money problems might not be money problems at all. They might be Primal Question problems wearing a financial disguise.

The wealthiest people I know aren’t the ones with the most zeroes in their account.

They’re the ones who’ve learned that they already have enough.

Warmly,

Mike Foster

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