[Part 6] Healthy Adulting 101

Kid Logic: “Play is a reward.”

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

If this is your first time reading, subscribe here to receive future posts. If you enjoy this edition, use this link to send it to a friend!

Last week, we talked about Healthy Adulting as it relates to your career—how making your vocational expression your entire identity sets you up for crisis.

Today, we’re talking about play, something that has become a lost art for most of us (including myself).

“My wife gets to have way more fun than me.”

That’s what I told a room full of strangers.

This was a little over a year ago. I was attending an Executive Coach training in Franklin, TN. We were in the middle of an exercise where we were prompted to write down our biggest complaints (and to be as petty as possible).

I’d been working hard all year.

Pushing. Building. Producing. Earning. I was approaching exhaustion. And my wife? Well, she works too, but I had this growing belief that she gets to have way more fun than me, so when I got permission to complain? That’s exactly what I wrote down.

The point of this exercise was to explore a coaching tool called “Rackets” (which I wrote about here).

This tool is designed to help you see the hidden benefits you’re getting from your complaints AND how to flip the complaint into a new vision for your future.

As I processed my Racket, I quickly realized this wasn’t about my wife at all. This wasn’t about her having more fun than me. In fact, she often wants me to stop working and do fun stuff with her. This was about me not giving myself permission to play.

And it’s all because I fell into the Kid Logic many of us believe…

Kid Logic: “Play is a reward.”

When I say “play”, I’m talking about FUN.

I’m talking about active rest. Enjoying life. Exploring. Creating. Competing. Savoring. Whatever brings you joy and lights you up.

Our society is not set up for play.

Like we talked about last week, our culture is set up for you to work.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that play is earned. It’s something you get AFTER you work hard enough for long enough. This shows up everywhere…

• “I’ll try to recharge on the weekend.”

• “I’ll relax in three months when things slow down.”

• “I’ll get to it next year.”

• “I’ll rest when I retire.”

But there’s always another busy season. Always another deadline. Always another excuse to keep pushing.

The work is never done.

Where does that leave us?

Burnt out. Wondering why we can’t just catch a break. Complaining. Needlessly blaming our spouses.

Here’s the paradigm shift I needed…

Adult Wisdom says, “Play is fuel.”

Healthy adults understand that play isn’t a reward for hard work.

Play is fuel to face the real difficulties of life. Life isn’t meant to be all play, but it’s also not meant to be all problems. When you play, you’re taking a breather from life’s challenges and refueling your system. You’re filling your tank so you can show back up to whatever difficulties life requires of you.

If you have no play, you have no sustainability.

You have no gasoline for the journey.

That’s exactly where I found myself a year ago at that training. I was running out of gas because I hadn’t taken the time to stop and refuel. Again, it didn’t have anything to do with my wife. It had everything to do with my own faulty beliefs.

I had to face the real reason I wasn’t allowing myself to play.

The fact is, I’m just more comfortable working than playing.

I grew up in a home where the training was clear: I’m here to work. And I’ve been working my whole life. I know how to do it. I’m comfortable in it. I’m good at it. Work makes sense to me.

But play? That feels unfamiliar, vulnerable even.

It’s weird to say, but it’s true.

I realized I don’t even know what I like to do. I don’t know where to start to just enjoy myself and have fun. I know there’s someone out there who can relate to this, so here’s what’s been helping me step into the unknown and get the fuel I need for the journey.

I’m allowing myself to be a beginner at joy.

I’ve accepted the truth about myself.

My wife is a pro at joy. Some of my friends are pros at play. It comes naturally to them, and they’ve had decades of practice. I’m just getting started, so I’m allowing myself to start small.

One way I’m doing this is by simply saying yes to more things I would normally say no to.

For example, I’m about to go to London for Christmas.

That might sound amazing to some of you. But my first instinct when I got the invite was not excitement. It sounded more like this…

“London during Christmas? It’s too cold there. I bet it’ll cost a lot of money. I’m not sure what it will be like. What if it doesn’t turn out the way we want it to? We’d have to make sure to get the right hotel. How do we know if we’re going to the right restaurants? The work it would take to get this trip right just isn’t worth the effort.”

See what’s happening?

My brain wants to control it. To mitigate uncertainty. Make it perfect. If it sounds way more stressful than fun, that’s because it is. That’s why I normally say no to stuff like this.

But my new “Way of Being” is to simply say yes and surrender the outcomes. I’m allowing myself to be a beginner at joy. To step into the unknown. To let good enough be good enough. To see what happens.

A few final takeaways for you…

1. Don’t wait for the weekend.

Trying to make up for all the stress of Monday through Friday in two days is not sustainable. Every day should have something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be big, but try to find one thing that refuels you every day.

2. Define play for yourself.

I don’t golf because I don’t like golf. I don’t go to parties because that’s not fun for me. Being honest with what actually brings you joy and energy is part of being a healthy adult. Maybe it’s reading. Maybe it’s cooking. Maybe it’s hiking or painting or working on cars or playing video games with your kids.

You get to define the terms.

3. Stop waiting for permission.

You’re not going to catch a break. You have to make one for yourself. Life isn’t going to hand you permission to play. You have to take it. That’s Adult Wisdom. You’re in charge. You decide when to refuel. Because if you don’t, you’re going to burn out. And when you burn out, you’re no good to anyone—not your family, not your work, not yourself.

Your Action Item:

First: Identify what play actually means for you. Not what everyone else does. What brings YOU joy and energy? Get specific.

Second: Schedule play into your day. Not your week. Your day. What’s one thing you can look forward to today? Even if it’s just 20 minutes.

Third: Practice saying yes without controlling the outcome. Pick something fun this week and just show up. Let go of perfection. Good enough is good enough.

You don’t need permission to play, just like you don’t need permission to fill up your gas tank or recharge your EV.

Fuel is not a nice-to-have. It’s a necessity.

So go fill up your tank.

Go be a Healthy Adult who plays.

Warmly,

Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful?

If so, don’t click away without giving this post a like, comment, or share! Your engagement helps other people discover their Primal Question. Thank you so much for reading :)

P.P.S. We’re about to sell out another cohort.

In October, I launched the first cohort of Primal Question PRO, a 4-week program to get certified in the Primal Question model. We filled it in less than 24 hours, and even more surprisingly, we filled over HALF of the next cohort the following day.

This next cohort begins in January, and there are only 10 of 25 spots left.

If you are interested in joining, fill out this form to get on the early access list. This is where I will announce that registration is back open, and it will be first-come, first-served from there.