If there’s a shortcut to joy, it’s this.

Two paths you can choose in life: fear or love.

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

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“This is bad. This is really bad,” my client said.

She was flustered. Stressed. Anxious. Not about a looming work deadline or a failing business or a marriage crisis. But because her sixth-grade son got an F in English. (You’d be surprised how often Executive Coaching sessions turn into parenting conversations. We all care about our kids so much.)

I said, “Okay. What’s the fear here? Name it for me.”

She described three fears:

1. He’s going to grow up and not be successful.

2. He’s going to blame me for not providing enough resources in his education. I’ll be a bad mom.

3. He will make less money than I do and won’t be financially secure in his life.

By the way, her Primal Question is “Am I secure?”, so her fear goes straight to financial security.

I wrote those things down and read them back to her exactly as she said them:

“Because Johnny is getting an F in English, it means he will not be successful in life as an adult. Because Johnny is getting an F in English, this means he’s now going to blame you for not providing enough resources. And because Johnny is getting an F in sixth-grade English, it also means that he will not be financially secure in his life.”

She started laughing.

I told her, “The truth is, you don’t know what’s going to happen in Johnny’s future, and you’re experiencing frustration because you’re trying to control it anyway.”

This is where so many of us live.

We experience massive friction in our lives because we’re trying to control things we fundamentally can’t control. Maybe you’re not stressed about your kid’s English grade. Maybe it’s something else.

That’s why I want to walk you through a framework I use all the time with my clients.

Two Paths You Can Choose in Life: Fear or Love

Let’s start with the first path: living life fueled by fear.

Something happens. A trigger. A situation. A relationship. And fear shows up. Typically, the fear is related to your Primal Question. Maybe it’s the fear that you’re not safe, secure, or loved (and so on). All your limiting beliefs, all your Kid Logic, they’re all informing why you should be afraid.

When you feel afraid, you reach for control.

You try to control the situation. Control other people. Control the outcome. Control the future. Makes sense, right? If you’re afraid something bad is going to happen, you want to control it to make sure it doesn’t.

But here’s the problem:

Life will not be controlled.

Life is life. Life does whatever it wants to. You can try all you want to control your spouse, your kids, your career, your finances, etc., but life is going to keep doing what life does.

When you run “control” through the line of life, you get friction.

You’re pushing against something that won’t move. You’re trying to control what can’t be controlled. And it’s creating enormous tension inside of you. Internal friction. Emotional friction. Psychological friction. Relational friction.

You can’t put up with it for long.

That friction has to go somewhere.

So what do you do? You seek relief. You need to escape. You need to numb the friction you’re feeling. This is where all your dysfunctional behaviors come from. Your coping mechanisms. Your Scramble. Drinking, overeating, overworking, scrolling, shopping, sleeping around, or whatever you do to ease the pain of the friction that comes from your futile effort to control life.

That’s the result of the fear flowchart.

Now, let’s move on to the second path: living life fueled by love.

Quick note: You can also replace “love” with whatever your Primal Question is. Point being, you’re starting from a place of groundedness. Safety. Security. Love. Belonging. Worth. Purpose.

You’re not looking at what might happen in the future.

You’re focused on the truth of what you do have right now.

From this place, you can choose surrender instead of control. Then, life comes. The same life that won’t be controlled. But because you’re in surrender instead of control, you experience less friction. You’re not fighting against life. You’re moving with it.

You might even experience a sense of “flow”, as if you’re floating down the river of life.

That flow leads to something beautiful: peace, joy, and flourishing.

Not cheap relief from dysfunction. Not numbing from pain. But actual joy. Actual flourishing. The kind of life you actually want to live.

I know what you’re thinking.

“Mike, if I just surrender and give up control, nothing will work out.”

I get it. We all want control, and it would be great if we could control outcomes, but believing you have control over life is a delusion. It’s nonsense. It’s a lie.

The truth is, life will not be controlled.

Here’s what I want to invite you to see:

Why do you want to control all those things in the first place?

You want to control your kid’s grades to feel peace about their future. You want to control your finances to feel secure. You want to control your spouse’s mood to feel joy in your relationship.

What are you ultimately hoping to get?

Peace? Joy? Flourishing?

If there’s a shortcut to any of these things, it’s this:

You will experience more peace, joy, and flourishing when you surrender control of your life.

What will you do next time the fear creeps back in?

Scramble for control? Or pause and say, “I feel afraid, but I know the truth. I am safe. I am secure. I am loved. So instead of Scrambling to control this, I’m going to surrender. I’m going to focus on what I can control right now. Not the future. Not other people. I’m going to focus on this moment, right now.”

You choose.

Fear or love. Control or surrender. Friction or flow.

To your growth,

Mike Foster

P.S. What are your thoughts on this? Has there ever been a time when you chose surrender over control? What happened? Are there any practices that help you choose surrender?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below :)