“I got hit by a car in 4th grade.”

If exploring your entire childhood feels impossible, try this exercise instead.

I was leading a Primal Question workshop with Bob Goff recently, and I asked the room one of my favorite questions to help them pinpoint their Primal Question:

“What was going on in your life in the 4th grade?”

The room got quiet, and I gave people some time to think. Some were sitting and nodding. Some were writing. Some were drawing. When I asked if anyone wanted to share, a man in the back raised his hand.

“I got hit by a car in the 4th grade, and I broke my leg.”

He went on to tell us about how devastating it was because it took him out of sports.

No more basketball. Baseball. Football. No more recess. No more gym class. It impacted his entire social life because, as a 9-year-old, sports were everything. That’s how he connected with his friends. That’s where he felt successful.

After the incident, all that went away.

He was forced to sit on the sidelines and watch while the other kids played.

During his recovery, something happened inside of him that he never put into words until he was sitting in that workshop, decades later. He realized what he absorbed during those months on the sidelines. The messages. The feelings. The imprint.

The quiet conclusion that if he couldn’t compete, he didn’t have much to offer.

That’s when his Primal Question solidified: “Am I successful?”

As he talked, you could see the present-day connections forming in real time.

• The workaholism that had defined his career.

• The constant need to prove himself.

• The inability to sit still or rest without feeling like he was falling behind.

All of it traced back to 4th grade.

He told us, “I never thought about how important that moment was until now.”

And that’s exactly why I always bring people back to the 4th grade.

Exploring Your Childhood Is Important… But Feels Impossible

I used to ask clients to tell me about their childhood, and their eyes would glaze over.

Not because they don’t want to go there, but because they don’t know where to start. And I totally get it. It’s sort of like someone pointing at the Pacific Ocean and saying, “Please go find the buried treasure.”

You’ve got 18 years of memories. Some clear. Some foggy. Some you’re not even sure if they happened. Where do you even start?

And that’s why I don’t ask people to tell me about their childhood anymore.

I ask them to tell me about 4th grade.

This helps us get specific. Because when you think about 4th grade, things start to get a little clearer. You think about your teacher. Your classmates. The house you lived in. The neighborhood kids. The sports you played. It all comes into focus.

And it’s not random, either.

3 Things Happen Developmentally to Make 4th Grade a Very Formative Year

First, it’s when meaning-making begins.

Kids stop asking, “What happened?”, and they start asking, “What does this say about me?”

A first-grader gets picked last for kickball and feels sad. But a fourth grader gets picked last, feels sad, and thinks, “This means something is wrong with me.”

That’s a massive shift. Feelings turn into conclusions. Experiences turn into identity. This isn’t necessarily the year your Primal Question gets imprinted, but it’s often the year it gets cemented.

Second, it’s when social re-ranking happens.

Before fourth grade, if Mom says you’re great, you believe her.

But around nine or ten, peer opinion starts to outweigh what your parents tell you. Belonging becomes conditional. You start measuring your worth by who includes you and who doesn’t. And those little conclusions from little kids form lifelong patterns that we carry into adulthood (if they’re left unchecked).

Third, it’s when performance becomes public.

Up until fourth grade, nobody really cares if you’re the best at anything.

It’s all just for fun. But somewhere around this age, grades start to count. Sports get more competitive. There are tryouts and cuts. Failure becomes personal. Success feels like survival. Kids start confusing their outcomes with their identity, and they carry that confusion in their nervous system into adulthood.

Bottom line: Fourth grade isn’t when the wound happens, but it’s often when the explanation hardens.

That’s what happened to the man in my workshop.

Fourth grade. A broken leg. A season on the sidelines. And a ten-year-old boy made a decision about himself that ran his life for the next three decades.

That’s why I want to ask you the same question:

What was going on in 4th grade for you?

If you’ve ever felt like “examining your childhood” is a tall order, this exercise is perfect for you.

Grab a blank piece of paper. Set a timer for ten minutes. Draw a picture of yourself when you were 9 or 10.

Stick figures are fine. 9-year-old-level art is welcome. Just sketch out what your world looked like. Your house. Your school. The people around you. What you were into. What was going on in your family?

Then look at that picture and ask yourself:

What happened that year? And what did I decide it meant about me?

Don’t overthink it. Just notice what comes up.

You might unearth some Kid Logic that deserves an Adult Wisdom upgrade.

To your growth,

Mike Foster

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