"I don't think I have a Primal Question."

Here's new language to help you identify your question if you don't relate to any of them.

Hey friend,

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

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“I don’t think I have a Primal Question.”

I hear this all the time.

For some, identifying their question is quick. They take the free assessment or even just read the list of seven questions, and one hits like a punch in the gut. Maybe they tear up. Maybe they get quiet. The response is often visceral because their Primal Question gives them language for something they’ve felt their entire life.

But that’s not everyone’s experience.

Many people see questions and think, “None of these sound like me.”

Or maybe they say something like, “I relate a little bit to all of them, but there isn’t one that sticks out.” If that’s you, no problem. A lot of people feel this way, and it doesn’t mean you don’t have a Primal Question.

Here’s what’s really going on…

If you don’t see yourself in a Primal Question, it’s because you’re looking at “roots”, not fruit.

Think about it like this.

Imagine a cartoon tree. A big, beautiful oak tree. Strong trunk. Wide branches. Thousands of leaves rustling in the wind. This tree has lived for decades, and she knows herself pretty well. She even knows what she looks like because she’s seen her reflection in the lake a thousand times.

Then, one day, someone walks up and hands her a photograph.

“Here,” they say. “This is a picture of you.”

The tree looks at the photo, confused. It’s a tangled mess of brown stuff. Gnarled. Twisted. Reaching out in every direction like frozen lightning. The tree laughs. “This isn’t me,” she says. “This looks like a pile of old spaghetti someone buried in the dirt.”

“That’s because this is a picture of your root system,” the person replies.

The tree is shocked, “That can’t be right. That doesn’t look anything like me.”

But the truth is, her roots are a part of her.

It’s just the part of her she’s never seen. The part that’s been hidden under the soil her whole life. In fact, it’s the part of her that supports everything else: how tall she grows, how strong her branches are, how much fruit she produces, and whether she survives the storm or gets knocked over.

She just didn’t recognize her roots because they were hidden beneath the surface.

That’s sort of like what happens with your Primal Question.

You might not recognize it immediately because it’s underneath the surface. It’s like you’re looking at roots when you’re only used to seeing their fruit. That’s why today, I want to provide some new language to help you spot your Primal Question.

How the Seven Primal Questions Show Up in Your Relationships and Life

Let’s start with Question #1...

Primal Question #1: Am I Safe?

What it might sound like: “Can I relax around you, or do I have to stay on watch?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You struggle to fully let your guard down, even with people you know you can trust.

• You hate vagueness. A text that says, “We need to talk,” sends you spiraling for hours.

• You need to know the full plan and all the details before you say yes to anything.

• You refuse to try new activities where you could get hurt, physically or emotionally.

• You check in constantly when your family is out (and struggle to sleep until everyone’s home safe).

Primal Question #2: Am I Secure?

What it might sound like: “Can I trust our future with you, or am I on my own?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You get anxious when your partner makes a big purchase without discussing it first.

• You mentally calculate your financial “runway” more often than you’d like to admit.

• Spontaneous generosity feels uncomfortable because every dollar already has a job.

• You hoard relational capital and stay in touch with people “just in case.”

• You can’t relax and enjoy the present until you know the future is handled.

Primal Question #3: Am I Loved?

What it might sound like: “If you saw all of me, would you stay?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You keep your heart at a distance to avoid getting hurt again.

• You struggle to set honest boundaries because you don’t want to push them away.

• Your blood boils when your partner interrupts or changes the subject.

• You over-give in relationships and feel resentful when it’s not reciprocated.

• You settle for breadcrumbs of affection because some love is better than none.

Primal Question #4: Am I Wanted?

What it might sound like: “Do you choose me, or just tolerate me?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You change yourself to fit in. Being accepted for the fake you feels safer than being rejected for the real you.

• You overcommit and say yes to everything because you fear being left out next time.

• You wait for others to initiate plans because reaching out feels too risky.

• After a breakup, you fixate on how you could have changed to make them stay.

• Your partner’s lack of physical intimacy feels like personal rejection.

Primal Question #5: Am I Successful?

What it might sound like: “Do I only matter to you because of what I produce?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You measure your worth as a partner by the “level of life” you provide.

• You don’t let people see you practice anything new (only the finished product).

• You struggle to ask your partner for help because it might make you look incompetent.

• You wonder if something’s wrong with you if relationship issues can’t be quickly “solved”.

• Your partner feels like they’re competing with your work (and losing every time).

Primal Question #6: Am I Good Enough?

What it might sound like: “Do I have to earn your respect, or do I already have it?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You hide small mistakes from your partner because admitting them feels humiliating.

• You over-explain all of your decisions, trying to prove your reasoning was sound.

• You feel like you’re always being graded (even though you’re the only one holding a scorecard).

• You struggle to receive compliments and typically deflect them.

• You ruminate on 1 piece of criticism and ignore 10 compliments.

Primal Question #7: Do I Have a Purpose?

What it might sound like: “Do you see my life as meaningful, or do you think I’m wasting it?”

What it might look like in your life:

• You never turn down an opportunity to help someone, even if your family needs you home.

• You feel restless doing “ordinary” tasks like dishes, diapers, and errands.

• When your partner is content with a quiet life, you wonder if they lack vision.

• You’re haunted by the sense that you could be doing more with your life.

• You struggle to finish things because you’re always chasing the next big idea that can impact more people.

Did any of those hit closer to home?

If one or two made you squirm a little... you’re probably looking at your roots.

Remember, the tree didn’t recognize her root system at first either. It looked nothing like the reflection she’d seen in the lake her whole life. But once she saw it, everything made sense. She finally understood why she grew so tall, strong, and resilient.

Your Primal Question will help you understand your strengths, too.

Here’s your action item for this week:

Try to pay attention to your triggers.

• When you get defensive, ask yourself: What question just got answered with a “no”?

• When you shut down, ask yourself: What need just went unmet?

• When you overreact to something small, ask yourself: What’s the real question underneath this?

The assessment is a starting point, but your triggers will tell you more about your Primal Question than any assessment ever could. And if you want to dive deeper into the different ways your question impacts your life, grab a copy of the book.

It’s a short read (many people finish it in one sitting), but it will help you understand yourself and others in a whole new way.

To your growth,
Mike Foster

P.S. If you’re a coach or counselor, consider joining Primal Question PRO later this year. It’s a new 4-week certification program that equips you to use the Primal Question model to accelerate results for all your clients. We’d love to have you in an upcoming cohort.

P.P.S. Was this helpful? If so, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments :).