I asked my wife to grade me from 1-10
Here's how it went.
A few weeks ago, my wife and I celebrated 31 years of marriage! 🎉 🎉 🎉
Every year, we try to do something special to celebrate. This year, we slipped away to Palm Springs and spent 3 days at an awesome little boutique hotel, and on our anniversary night, we went out to a really nice restaurant. Good food. Good drinks. Great vibes. We were having an amazing time reflecting on the year and spending intentional time together.
That’s when I decided to take a risk.
“Jen, I want you to rate me on a scale of 1-10 as your husband.”
And I added, “Then, I’m going to rate you on a scale of 1-10 as my wife.”
This wasn’t the first time we’ve graded each other. I bring up a topic like this a few times per year to check in on where we’re at, so this wasn’t completely out of the blue. But this was the first time I’ve asked this question on our anniversary… and it felt like way higher stakes.
This is supposed to be a night of connection. Romance. Celebration.
And this is the kind of question that has the potential to throw a big wet blanket on all of that.
Before I go on, it’s important to note that I got her permission before we continued. I asked her, “Are you okay with us having this conversation tonight?” She said yes, so here’s how it went.
Jen gave me an 8/10 as her husband.
Not bad. It’s better than what I thought she might give me, and it’s definitely not the worst she’s ever graded me. One year, when I was super focused on my work, I think she scored me at a 5… and I deserved it. But the score she gave me is not the point.
The whole point of asking the first question is to ask the follow-up:
“Okay, Jen, how do I get to a 9?”
Notice, I didn’t say 10.
I didn’t say 11. I’m not trying to be Superman here. If she had graded me at a 6, I would have asked, “How do I get to a 7?” This is about growing, little by little, year over year.
Like all couples, she was a little hesitant: “You’re not going to get mad, right?”
I told her, “No, Jen. I asked for it. I’m not going to get defensive. I just want to know. How do I get to a 9?”
She was very honest and specific. She told me that she doesn’t like my intensity during the work week. She said that it starts on Sunday evening. I go into a bit of a silo. Even though I don’t work crazy hours, it’s like I mentally disappear into my business.
She shared, “It feels like I get you back on the weekends, but I lose you during the week. If you could be less intense, that would help you get to a 9.”
That was great feedback for me, and I told her, “Okay, I will work on that.”
Then it came time for me to grade Jen.
I’m not going to go into as much detail here, but I gave her an 8/10 as well.
We’re 31 years into this thing. We know each other. We’re doing pretty good. But as I shared feedback with Jen, and as she continued to share feedback with me, I could sense the conversation starting to shift.
If you ever read our 5 dates workbook, you may remember this little doodle:
In marriage, we want to have conversations where we’re on the same team. Where we’re throwing our bombs at the problem, not at each other. During our anniversary dinner, we never reached a point where we were on different teams, but as we shared feedback, I could tell things were starting to tense up a bit.
We weren’t starting to chuck bombs at each other yet, but it felt like we were starting to light them.
That’s when we decided to call it quits. I said, “Hey, we can end the conversation right here. I’m clear on how I can grow. I think we’re good. I don’t need to say anymore.”
We ended it right there. We probably spent 15-20 minutes on this little check-in, and afterward, we were able to go back to regular date night conversation and enjoy the rest of the evening.
These are murky waters to navigate, so I want to give you…
4 Takeaways Before You Ask Your Spouse to Grade You
Make sure you’re both in the frame of mind to have a very high-stakes conversation.
“Give me a number from 1-10,” may seem like a simple, small thing, but you’re opening Pandora’s box here.
You may hear things you don’t want to hear. You may get feedback that stings. Only initiate this conversation if you are intent on receiving feedback from your spouse, not so you can give them feedback. This is a personal growth exercise. Each of you should be primarily focused on how YOU can grow, not on throwing bombs at your partner.
Get permission and keep getting permission.
Jen and I kept checking in throughout the conversation.
At the beginning, we established the purpose. This is about having a stronger, healthier marriage. Several times during the conversation, we paused to take the temperature, “How are you doing? How’s the energy right now? Am I getting too defensive right now?”
Try to stay connected, so you know when to do this next part.
Know when to pull the rip cord.
Receiving feedback is hard, especially from the person who loves you the most and knows you the best.
As these conversations go on, they have a tendency to become more confrontational when that was never the point. We want to stay open and curious. Not closed off and defensive. As soon as you sense yourself closing off and getting more combative, it’s time to call it quits for now.
With all that said, here’s my most important point:
Take the risk of knowing the truth.
Too many of us avoid the risk of knowing, so we never have the opportunity for growth.
The fact is, Jen was grading me at an 8, whether I knew it or not. I might as well know so I can do something about it. If I hadn’t asked this question a few years ago, I wouldn’t have known she was grading me at a 5, which means I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to grow into an 8.
And here’s the thing: you’re probably grading yourself inaccurately right now.
We tend to do one of two things: We either puff ourselves up and think we’re a 9 when we’re actually a 6, or we beat ourselves up, thinking we’re a 3 when we’re actually an 8. Without clarity from your spouse, you’re guaranteed to work on the wrong things.
Even after 31 years, I could not predict what Jen was going to say. I thought she might ask me to be less grumpy because sometimes I can get in a bad mood, but she didn’t say that. She was very specific. She said Sunday through Thursday, can you be less intense?
Now that I know that, I can stop wasting my energy on the wrong problems.
Bottom Line: Set yourself up just for data that actually helps you grow as a couple and as an individual.
Oh, and one last little pro tip: don’t ask this for the first time on your anniversary dinner :)
To your growth,
Mike Foster
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