How Your Inner Child Is Still Running Your Life
Plus 4 steps to let them off the hook, and step up as a healthy adult.
Robin Williams' Primal Question
Long before he became one of the world's greatest entertainers, Robin Williams was just a little boy longing for attention from his mom.
Robin's mom didn't care all that much about her son. She didn't give him the attention and affection every little boy needs, so he figured out a way to get it. He learned to be funny. He needed to be funny because, just like every child, he needed his mom.
Which leads me to today's topic…
How Your Inner Child Is Still Running Your Life (And Why It's Time to Let Them Go Free)
Here's a startling fact:
The average child asks about 250 questions a day, while the average adult only asks 20. When you were young, you were soaking up information like a sponge. You were learning about life and yourself and the world. You had all kinds of questions about safety, security, love, belonging, purpose, and success.
And the answers to those questions shaped who you became.
Trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Mate explains, "The parent-child bond is our most important relationship. Through it, we experience the world." This early attachment gives us our concept of whether the world is hostile or friendly, nurturing or indifferent. It teaches us whether we're good or bad, acceptable or worthless.
Here's what most of us don't realize.
We’re still using "Kid Logic" to solve adult problems.
As you grow older, you don't get a new brain.
That might sound weird and obvious, but the implications are important. The mind you used to come up with all those solutions as a kid is the same mind you are using to come up with solutions today. You created patterns as a kid that you're still using to navigate the world.
This is what I call the Scramble.
To feel safe as a child, you became hyper-vigilant.
To be loved by your parents, you learned to take care of everybody else.
To be successful in your family, you learned to outwork anyone and everyone.
To feel good enough, you learned you had to become the best.
I've spent thousands of hours coaching people from death row to corporate boardrooms, and I see these patterns everywhere. That wounded child in you is still trying to run your life through people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-giving, and workaholism.
But they're just a kid, and it's time to let them off the hook.
4 Steps to Relieve Your Inner Child From Their Post
Recognize Your Primal Question
Your Primal Question is the deep emotional need that drives your life.
Think of it like the operating system running in the background of your phone - you don't always see it, but it influences everything. This question formed in your earliest relationships, usually before age seven, when you were trying to figure out if you were safe, loved, or good enough. Understanding your Primal Question isn't just about more self-help insight - it's about finally seeing the invisible force that's been driving your decisions, reactions, and relationships all along.
This is where freedom begins.
Name Your Scramble
Your Scramble is the collection of strategies you created to survive childhood.
Maybe you became the family peacemaker, rushing to solve every conflict because it made you feel safe. Or perhaps you turned into the perfect achiever, collecting gold stars and accolades because excellence seemed like the only path to love. These patterns probably served you well as a child - they might have even saved you. But now they're exhausting you, damaging your relationships, and keeping you stuck in cycles that never quite give you what you need. The Scramble worked for survival, but it's terrible at helping you thrive.
It's time for a better way.
Thank That Little Kid
The wounded child in you deserves recognition for keeping you alive.
That part of you developed incredibly creative ways to navigate a confusing and sometimes painful world. You learned to read rooms before entering them, to achieve when achievement meant safety, to keep the peace when conflict felt threatening. These strategies weren't perfect, but they got you here.
Now it's time to look at that younger version of you with compassion and say those healing words: "Thank you for keeping me safe back then, but I'm an adult now. I'll take it from here."
This is where healing begins.
Step Into Self-Leadership
Self-leadership begins the moment you recognize you're no longer that helpless child.
You now have resources, wisdom, and capabilities your younger self couldn't imagine. You can meet your own emotional needs instead of desperately trying to get others to do it for you. Self-leadership means loving that wounded part of you that's still trying to run the show through old protective patterns, while gently taking the reins back.
It means moving from survival strategies to thriving strategies.
Here's your action step for this week:
Notice one way you're using child logic in your adult life. Maybe it's people-pleasing at work or being hyper-vigilant in relationships. Just notice it. That’s all it takes to start.
Warmly,
Mike Foster