How to Identify Someone's Primal Question

This is one of the most powerful gifts you can give someone, regardless of whether they’re a “client” or friend.

Morning!

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re not familiar with me, I’m an Executive Coach and Counselor to all sorts of world-changers, from Navy Seals to non-profit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies. If this is your first time here, join thousands of growth-minded friends who read along each week.

I write this weekly newsletter to help people accelerate transformation in their lives using The Seven Primal Questions.

But here’s the deal.

If you’re part of my little corner of the internet, this needs to go beyond you.

I’m growing tired of “self-help” that ends with ourselves. The way I see it, the whole point of accelerating transformation in our lives is so we can grow strong and stable enough to lend a helping hand to the people around us. Yes, we need to put our oxygen mask on first, but then we need to help the people around us put on theirs.

It doesn’t matter if you’re not a coach, therapist, pastor, or some other form of “professional helper”.

You can help people as an accountant, landscaper, architect, stay-at-home parent, entrepreneur, mailman, or any other profession.

Can we agree on that? That we won’t let our transformation end with ourselves? That once you understand your inner world, you’ll turn around and help a neighbor, coworker, child, or cousin understand theirs? Good deal.

Now that we’re on the same page, I’m going to show you…

How to Assess Someone’s Primal Question

This is one of the most powerful gifts you can give someone, regardless of whether they’re a “client” or friend.

In essence, you’re giving them a tool to explore the labyrinth of their heart and mind. You’re helping them turn on the lights and blow away the fog so they can finally understand the inner workings of who they are. They’ll finally know why they do the things they do and how to take back the reins on their life. It’s no exaggeration that, once they see their Primal Question, they will never be the same.

Why?

Because most people have never had someone guide them to this level of understanding.

Most pastors, therapists, coaches, and well-meaning friends don’t go deep enough. They focus on processing emotions or changing behaviors. You’ve probably heard me refer to this as “trimming the branches” of a tree, instead of cultivating healthy roots.

You’re going to skip past the messy branches and cut straight to the root issue.

You’re going to give them language for what they’ve felt their entire life.

The root issue driving all of us (almost all the time) is an unmet need.

I like to say, “It’s the thing underneath the thing that drives everything.”

As a Primal Question guide, you’re going to help people:

1. Uncover their Apex Emotional Need (a.k.a their Primal Question).

2. Identify the unhealthy ways they’re trying to meet the need.

3. Clarify healthier ways to meet it instead.

Today, I’m going to show you how to help them uncover their Primal Question. All you're going to do is ask a few simple questions and hold space for them to process. You can also have them take the free assessment, but this process will help you further clarify their question.

4 Steps to Assess Someone’s Primal Question

First, describe it in 60 seconds.

Here’s how I describe it for people (you can use these words verbatim).

I’ll say, “We're all imprinted with a Primal Question in our childhood.

It’s an important question that was answered with a 'no' or a 'maybe'. We then subconsciously carry this Primal Question into our adulthood. We ask this question over and over again in our relationships, to our spouse, to our friends, to our boss, and to society at large.

When the answer comes back as a 'yes', we feel grounded.

When it comes back as a 'no' or a 'maybe', we go into our Scramble, which is all the unhealthy things we do to force the answer to our Primal Question back to a 'yes,' so we can feel good again."

Second, give a quick example of your Primal Question.

Then, I’ll say, “For example, my Primal Question is ‘Am I safe?’”

It was imprinted in my early childhood through trauma. Now, I carry it into my adult life, and I subconsciously ask that question to my wife, to my friends, and to society. When I get a 'no' to that Primal Question, I go into my Scramble, which looks like hyper-vigilance and control.”

When you explain this to people, you should use an example from your life.

Third, list out The Seven Primal Questions.

Ask, “Which question resonates with you?”

Question #1: Am I safe?

Question #2: Am I secure?

Question #3: Am I loved?

Question #4: Am I wanted?

Question #5: Am I successful?

Question #6: Am I good enough?

Question #7: Do I have a purpose?

Fourth, ask these clarifying questions:

One note here. Whenever someone opens up to you and answers these questions, you’re on very sacred ground. Tread lightly. Create a safe space for them to share.

PRO TIP: you may want to have some tissues handy.

Here are some questions that will help you further excavate their PQ.

1. “What are some things that tend to trigger an emotional response from you?”

2. “What is your message to the world that you want everyone to know?”

3. “What was it like growing up in your family?”

I always say that sports people talk about sports, car people talk about cars, and Primal Question people talk about their Primal Question. Even if they don’t say it explicitly, they are going to talk about their need. Your job is to listen closely and help them identify the patterns you’re hearing. You don’t need to be overly prescriptive. Just allow the conversation to flow.

Their Primal Question will reveal itself.

Was this helpful?

If so, please don’t click away without giving this post a like or comment. Share it with a friend using this link. Your engagement helps other people discover their Primal Question. Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate you!

To your growth,

Mike Foster

P.S. Are you a coach or counselor?

Do you want to help people with their Primal Question for a living? I’m working on a new certification to help “professional helpers” use this model to rapidly accelerate transformation for their clients.

You’ll hear more about it soon. Stay tuned!