How to help friends with their Primal Question
3 simple steps to help anyone in a 15-minute conversation.
Hey friend,
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter!
If you’re new here, I write this weekly newsletter to help you accelerate transformation in your life using The Seven Primal Questions.
Quick Update: A few times per year, I train and certify a small cohort of 30 people in the Primal Question framework. If you want to use this professionally, you must get certified. The next cohort starts on July 6, and there are only a few spots left. If you want to get fully trained to use this model with clients, sign up here!
But here’s the deal…
Even if you’re not a professional coach or counselor, this work needs to go beyond you.
In my mind, the whole point of accelerating transformation in our lives is to grow strong enough to turn around and help others. So it doesn’t matter if you’re not a coach, therapist, or pastor. I believe you have what it takes to lead transformational conversations as an accountant, landscaper, architect, stay-at-home parent, entrepreneur, mailman, or any other profession!
Can we agree that we won’t let transformation end with us?
If so, today’s newsletter is for you.
I’m going to equip you with a 3-step framework for…
How to Help Friends (or Clients) With Their Primal Question
If you’re still reading, I know you have a big heart to help others.
I’m so grateful there are people like you who want to sit down with friends and help them navigate the messy, complex parts of their stories. It’s beautiful and admirable, but here’s some tough love.
Many of us have good intentions, but very few of us were actually taught how to be effective.
We tend to fall into 2 pitfalls.
1. Venting Sessions: This is the default mode for so many people who want to be helpful.
Whether you’re mentoring, coaching, or just checking in on a friend, you sit down and ask, “How are you doing? What’s on your mind?” They dive into a story about their boss who ignored them in the meeting. Their spouse who picked a fight about the dishes. The friend who let them down. Whatever is going on in their life.
You nod and empathize. You keep the conversation going with little prompts like, “And then what happened?”
Before you know it, an hour has disappeared.
You’ve toured every twist and turn of their story, but nothing has changed. They may feel lighter because they got it off their chest, but no new awareness has been created, and no action has been sparked. They walk out the same as when they came in.
2. Instant Advice: The second trap is the opposite extreme.
Instead of letting someone talk endlessly, you jump straight into problem-solving mode.
After all, you know that, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Transformation only comes from action. So the moment your friend or client starts describing their struggle, your brain goes into strategy-hunting mode.
You interrupt with stories from your own life: “Oh, that happened to me once. Here’s what I did.”
The problem is, people don’t come to you because they need a pile of tips and tricks.
They come because they’re carrying pain. When you rush to advice, you skip past that pain and send the message, “I’m not really listening.” The person may walk away with a shiny new tactic to try, but because the root need was never identified, that tactic rarely sticks.
If we don’t learn a better way, we’re just wasting our time and theirs.
That’s why I want to show you…
3 Simple Steps to Help Anyone in a 15-minute Conversation
By following this 3-step framework, you’re going to be more effective at helping people in a 15-minute conversation than many coaches & counselors are in a 60-minute session. Why? Because transformation is not about time spent. It’s about accuracy.
Using this process, you can accelerate clarity of the root issue and then create action items that are tailored to the root issue.
Step 1: Assess
Assessing is about gathering just enough of the story to understand the landscape without letting the person drown you in details.
Think of it like taking someone’s pulse and temperature at the doctor’s office. You don’t need an MRI or a CT Scan. You just need a quick read of the vital signs.
A helpful way to do this is by asking three simple questions:
What happened?
How do you feel about what happened?
What do you want?
These questions give you the facts, the emotional tone, and the stated desire without wandering into endless narrative. When you assess well, you honor the story without being consumed by it, and you set the stage for a deeper discovery.
Step 2: Name the Need
Once you have the basic picture, the real work begins.
Every external problem stems from a deeper need. If you don’t identify that need, you can’t create lasting change. Ask questions and listen for clues to identify which of The Seven Primal Questions is driving their reaction.
Am I safe?
Am I secure?
Am I loved?
Am I wanted?
Am I successful?
Am I good enough?
Do I have a purpose?
Again, almost every problem in a person’s life can be traced back to one of these core needs. After listening long enough to assess the situation, you can ask them directly:
“Which of these questions feels like it’s being answered with a NO? Which of these needs feels like it’s at risk?”
That’s what’s sending them into their Scramble.
Step 3: Activate
Awareness is important, but it’s wasted without action.
The final step is to take what you’ve discovered about the root need and turn it into an action item. Activation doesn’t mean throwing ten different strategies at someone. It’s choosing one clear, doable step that’s aimed directly at their Primal Question.
You can ask them:
“What’s 1 way this need is already being met in another area of your life?” Or, “What’s 1 action you can take this week to practice self-leadership and secure this need for yourself?”
Again, if the root problem is an unmet need, the action item should help them add that need back into their life.
See what’s missing in those first two pitfalls I mentioned earlier?
People in the first camp stay stuck in “listening and assessing” mode. People in the second camp jump straight to “activate action” mode. Both are missing the most crucial element: dropping down into the “roots” to name the core need.
In order to be effective “helpers”, we need to…
Listen long enough to get the facts and feelings.
Ask questions to identify the unmet need driving the Scramble.
Create action items that are tailored to the unmet need.
That’s it!
Of course, you can expand this into a longer session, but you can lead life-altering conversations in 15-minutes following these 3 steps. In fact, my good friend Kim once told me, “Our 15-minute conversation about the Primal Question changed my marriage and my family forever.”
Next time, you’re trying to help a friend, client, or team member, follow these 3 steps, and let me know how it goes.
Hope this helps!
Mike Foster
P.S. If this was helpful, can you do me a favor?
Don’t click away without leaving a like or comment. Your engagement helps get the word out so other people can discover their Primal Question and use it to transform their life!
P.P.S. Do you want to use the Primal Question model professionally?
Then you must get trained and certified as a Primal Question PRO. Our next cohort starts on July 6, and there are a few spots left. Click here to get the details and secure your spot!