How to help anyone in a 15-minute conversation
For those who want to become a helpful person to talk to about life.
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
Today was supposed to be an exciting day.
It still is, but it went a little differently than I thought. You see, today was supposed to be the public launch of my brand new coaching certification program, Primal Question PRO. I was excited to invite you to sign up, but we did a prelaunch to give everyone on the waitlist early access before the general public… and we sold out in less than a day! I couldn’t believe it!
The bad news? You can’t join the October cohort because it’s full.
The good news? I’m doing another cohort of Primal Question PRO starting on January 5!
If you want to start the new year with me, mastering the Primal Question model and applying it to your coaching, counseling, or leadership, check it out here & join the waitlist for the next cohort!
With all that out of the way, in today’s newsletter, I want to show you…
How to help anyone in a 15-minute conversation.
Whether you’re a coach, counselor, pastor, leader, or simply a helpful friend, I know you have a big heart to help others.
I’m so grateful there are people like you who want to sit down with others and help them navigate the messy, complex parts of their stories. That’s beautiful and admirable. The problem is, many of us have good intentions, but few of us were taught how to be effective.
There are 2 pitfalls I see people fall into.
1. Venting Sessions: This is the default mode for so many well-meaning helpers.
You sit down and ask, “How are you doing? What’s on your mind?” And then it begins. They dive into a story about their boss who ignored them in the meeting, or their spouse who picked a fight about the dishes, or the friend who let them down. You nod, you empathize, and you keep the conversation going with little prompts like, “And then what happened?”
Before you know it, 45 minutes have disappeared.
You’ve toured every twist and turn of their story, but nothing has changed.
Sure, they feel lighter because they got it off their chest. They feel heard, and being heard is good. But no new awareness has been created, and no action has been sparked.
2. Instant Advice: The second trap is the opposite extreme.
Instead of letting someone talk endlessly, you jump straight into problem-solving mode. After all, you know transformation comes from action, right? If nothing changes, nothing changes. So the moment your friend or client starts describing their struggle, your brain immediately goes into strategy-hunting mode.
You interrupt with stories from your own life: “Oh, that happened to me once. Here’s what I did.”
The problem is, people don’t come to you because they need a pile of hacks.
They come because they’re carrying pain. When you rush to advice, you skip past that pain and send the message, even unintentionally, “I’m not really listening.” The person may walk away with a shiny new tactic to try, but because the root need was never identified, that tactic rarely sticks.
Here’s why this matters:
If we don’t learn to be effective, we waste our time and theirs.
That’s why I want to show you…
3 Steps to Help Anyone in a 15-minute Conversation
By following this 3-step framework, you’re going to be more effective at helping people in a 15-minute conversation than most coaches & counselors are in a 60-minute session. Why? Because results are not about time spent. They’re about accuracy.
Using this process, you can accelerate “Speed to Clarity” on the root issue and create action items that actually make a difference.
Step 1: Assess
Assessing is about gathering just enough of the story to understand the landscape without letting the person drown you in details.
Think of it like taking someone’s pulse at the doctor’s office. You don’t need a full body scan, you just need a quick read of the vital signs. A helpful way to do this is by asking three simple questions:
What happened?
How do you feel?
What do you want?
These questions give you the facts, the emotional tone, and the stated desire without wandering into endless narrative. When you assess well, you honor the story without being consumed by it, and you set the stage for a deeper discovery.
Step 2: Name the Need
Once you have the basic picture, the real work begins.
Every external problem grows from a root need. If you don’t identify that need, you can’t create lasting change. This step requires curiosity, discernment, and courage to ask the harder questions.
Listen for clues to identify which of The Seven Primal Questions is driving this behavior.
Am I safe?
Am I secure?
Am I loved?
Am I wanted?
Am I successful?
Am I good enough?
Do I have a purpose?
Almost every problem can be traced back to one of these primal drivers. When you name the need clearly, the noise of the branches quiets down and the real issue comes into focus.
That clarity is what allows the next step to be powerful and effective.
Step 3: Activate
Awareness is important, but awareness without action is pretty much pointless.
The final step is to take what you’ve discovered at the root and turn it into a forward-moving practice. Activation doesn’t mean throwing ten different strategies at someone. It means choosing one clear, doable step that’s aimed at their Primal Question.
If the root problem is an unmet need, the action item should be something that will help them add what they need back into their life.
See what’s missing?
People in that first camp stay stuck in “listening and assessing” mode. People in the second camp jump straight to “activate action” mode. Both are missing the most crucial element: dropping down into the root issue to name the core need driving the problem.
We need to bridge the gap.
We need to listen just long enough to get the facts, feelings, and lay of the land. Then, we need to ask powerful questions to identify which need is driving the problem. Finally, we create action items, not based on random advice and surface solutions, but based on the unmet need.
That’s it!
Of course, you can expand this into a longer session, but I’ve found that you can have powerful, life-altering conversations in a 15-minute conversation following these 3 steps.
In fact, my friend Kim once told me, “Our 15-minute conversation about the Primal Question changed my marriage and my family.”
Next time, you’re trying to help a friend, client, or team member, follow these 3 steps.
Then come back here and leave a comment on this post. I would love to hear real-life examples of how it goes :).
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. If you’re interested in becoming a Primal Question PRO, join the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next cohort!
P.P.S. If this was helpful, will you leave a like, comment, or share this post? Your engagement helps more people discover their Primal Question. Thanks!
Between this post and the one about how pastors need to preach to all the Primal Qs, I feel so much more equipped to communicate and see where other people are coming from. I wish I had found these resources at the beginning of marriage counseling (instead of after!) and earlier in my life! Although maybe I would not have been ready to receive the important truth.
Anyway, thanks!!
In the PQ book you make a very helpful point that our question can lean toward another question (my phrase), something akin to an enneagram ‘wing’. Are there times when a conversation needs to address a need other than the primary?