“How do I know how to answer my Primal Question with a yes?”

I got this question from a reader. Here's how I would answer it if they were a coaching client.

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies.

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Today, I want to address a question I received from a reader.

“How do I know how to answer my Primal Question with a yes?”

Here’s a bit more context…

“Mike, my husband and I LOVE your stuff! Where I get stuck is figuring out how to address the Primal Question/unmet need with a yes. You say, ‘If the root problem is an unmet need, the action item should be something that will help them add what they need back into their life.’

I never know what that action item should be.

It makes so much sense that purposeful action steps are needed (versus some random fix that isn’t targeting the root), but how does one figure out what that step should be?”

First of all, thank you for the compliment and for reading.

This is a great question, and I imagine many other people are asking the same thing.

Actually, I know for a fact that other people are asking this question because it comes up with almost every coaching client. Here’s how it normally goes: A client comes in to work with me. They have no idea, for example, why their marriage is struggling. They’ve tried all the stuff. Therapy. Date nights. Love languages.

Yet, for some reason, there’s still so much friction in the relationship.

If you’re familiar with my work, you know exactly why there’s friction.

The couple is not answering each other’s Primal Question with a resounding, “YES”.

In fact, they’re likely answering each other’s questions with a big fat “NO”, without even realizing it. The obvious first step is to identify each spouse’s Primal Question. Once we identify what it is, the light bulbs start going off. They’re excited because they finally understand themselves and see their life through a whole new lens (woohoo!).

But we don’t stop there.

My coaching sessions are not about understanding, they’re about action.

After identifying each spouse’s Primal Question, I give them a simple action item: “What are 2 ways your spouse can answer your Primal Question with a yes?” By the way, it’s not your spouse’s job (or anyone else’s) to read your mind and figure out how to answer your question with a yes. It’s your job to practice self-leadership, identify how they can give you a yes, and communicate that to them clearly and simply.

This is where we inevitably hit the speed bump, and I hear the same answer over and over…

“I don’t know.”

I’m going to tell you the exact same thing I tell each of my clients when they give me this answer: I don’t accept I don’t knows. Why? First of all, because it stalls all progress. There’s nowhere to go from there, and it’s often used as a strategy to stay stuck (because staying stuck can be more comfortable than the pain of growth). Second, because it’s not true. I just don’t buy it. Somewhere deep inside, you know what you need.

Here’s what I think you’re really saying…

“I’m unwilling to enter into the vulnerability of telling the truth to someone else.”

My guess is, “I don’t know” is your brain telling you that you can’t say the truth out loud without someone judging you, rejecting you, or thinking you’re less than. You’re still trying to control something here because you’re afraid that if you said what you actually need, it would be dismissed, discarded, rejected, and judged, and it might make things worse.

Even if this is subconscious, your brain is telling you, “It’s too risky.”

By the way, you have a very good reason to believe that.

My guess is that’s the response you’ve gotten to your needs your entire life when they are expressed truthfully. Now, your brain is trying to keep you from experiencing that again. It’s built up armor to keep you from ever expressing your need in its purest form.

Kid Logic is trying to protect you.

You need Adult Wisdom to step in and take the lead.

If you were a client, here’s the homework I would give you.

First of all, I’m not going to give you the answers.

I know you might want me to list out examples of practical action steps for each of the seven questions, but I’m not going to do that because I think it would be insulting to you. You think you don’t have the answers, but I know you do. You just have to put in some elbow grease and dig for them. I’m not here to caretake my clients or spoonfeed them answers. I’m here to blow up their systems of denial, hold space for them to see how capable they are, and to help them step into their own strength.

You can lead yourself in this.

You can do the hard work and identify practical ways to meet your need.

Step 1: Grab a notebook and go to a comfortable place where you can journal without distraction.

Step 2: At the top of the paper, write down your Primal Question.

Step 3: With zero filter, start journaling about the things that, when you receive them, you feel settled, neutral, good, calm, or grounded. These are things that are a “yes” to your question.

Step 4: Now, list out all of the reasons why you want to judge yourself for having this need. Be honest. Write down all of your beliefs and judgments about this need AND the ways you just brainstormed to meet that need. (These judgements are Kid Logic.)

Step 5: Next, look at this list of judgments as if your best friend wrote them. What would you say to them about those judgments? What would Adult Wisdom say about those beliefs? What’s the Truer Truth about this need that you would share with someone else you love?

Step 6: Practice vulnerability by telling your spouse or another trusted person the truth about how they can practically answer your Primal Question with a yes.

Quick Caveat: For some reason, there’s a temptation to make all of this philosophical, deep, or ethereal. It isn’t. That’s just another way to avoid the vulnerability of the truth. Keep it simple. Keep it practical. For example, I need my wife to tell me the truth even if it hurts, and I need to know the truth about our budget. That’s it. Nothing sexy about it. These 2 things help me feel safe.

If you hit a wall, don’t give up.

This will be difficult, but it will be worth it.

If it helps, treat this exercise like you already paid me money to coach you, and you have to push through this process to get a result and make the investment worth it.

You got this,

Mike Foster

P.S. Was this helpful?

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Thanks for reading :)