“Honey, we’re already late!”

Do these words ever show up in your marriage?

Chuck was furious.

He was pacing by the door, already dressed and ready to walk out. He checked his watch. Then checked it again. He was trying to bite his tongue, but he couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Honey, c’mon! We’re already late!”

They were on their way to dinner.

Chuck wanted to be there by 7:00, and it was already 7:10. His wife still wasn’t ready, and every passing minute cranked his cortisol a little higher.

Maybe you’ve experienced this moment in your marriage.

You have dinner plans, and you’re stressed because your “better half” seems to be moving at half speed. You can’t help but calculate how late you’re about to be…

• We’re going to have to fight through traffic.

• How long is it going to take to find parking?

• We’re definitely going to lose our reservation!

But in Chuck’s case, there was no traffic to fight.

There was no parking spot to find. In fact, dinner was just a few steps away. That’s because Chuck and his wife were on vacation, on a cruise ship, somewhere in the middle of the ocean.

The dinner they were “running late” for?

It was one of a dozen restaurants on the boat, most of them open all night.

So when Chuck sat across from me in our next coaching session, still a little worked up about the whole thing, I told him something he probably didn’t want to hear.

“Chuck, time doesn’t exist on a cruise ship.”

On a cruise, you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want.

The buffet is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There’s no “late” for dinner. No reservation to miss. No kitchen that closes. The only time that “time” matters is making sure you’re on the boat when it leaves the dock.

But for Chuck, being on time is everything.

Chuck’s Primal Question is #5: Am I successful?

Q5s love games. They love to compete. And more than anything, they love to win. With Chuck and several other of my Q5 clients, I’m noticing an interesting pattern in how this need shows up in their relationship to time.

Q5s view time as a competition.

Even if nobody else knows a game is being played, they’re always, always competing against the clock.

Here’s how the scoreboard works: Being on time means “I’m winning”. Being late means “I’m losing.” And Q5s hate losing… maybe even more than they love winning.

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be punctual.

In most areas of a Q5’s life, this need serves them well.

Chuck, for example, is a Chick-fil-A operator, which, in my opinion, makes him some kind of magician.

I think we’ve all had this experience: You pull up to Chick-fil-A, mouth already watering for a chicken sandwich straight from heaven… and the drive-thru line is wrapped around the building. Twice. Yet, somehow, some way, you’re pulling back onto the road, sneaking a steaming-hot fry out of the bag, 9-minutes later.

I don’t know how they do it.

But that? That’s all Chuck.

He lives and breathes timeliness, and winning his lifelong game against the clock has rewarded him greatly in his career. The problem is, the same game costs him in his marriage… and almost ruined his vacation.

That’s because Chuck was operating with a Kid Logic view of time.

Growing up, we all absorb a default view of time.

Here’s what’s interesting. If you’ve spent any time in counseling or doing any form of “personal growth” work, you’ve likely examined your view of money, relationships, and even your view of yourself.

But very few of us ever examine our beliefs about time.

We just assume the way we see it is the way it is.

The truth is, there are a hundred different ways to view time, and the one you landed on was handed to you. Some of it came from the culture you grew up in — a kid raised in Germany inherits a very different relationship with the clock than a kid raised in Mexico. And some of it came from your early childhood.

For example, maybe you…

• Had a parent who treated being late like a moral failure.

• Got publicly embarrassed by a teacher for walking into class after the bell.

• Ran extra sprints because your coach made the whole team “pay” when one kid showed up late.

All of that left an imprint — a belief about time you formed as a kid that might not be serving you as an adult. For a Q5 like Chuck, that belief sounds something like this.

Kid Logic: “I must always be on time.”

Like most Kid Logic, it’s all-or-nothing. Right or wrong. Black or white. It leaves no room for nuance, no room for the actual texture of real life. No room for the cruise ship.

Here’s the new belief I invited Chuck to try on:

Adult Wisdom: “There’s a time to watch the clock and a time to forget it exists.”

Adult Wisdom can hold two things at once: that sometimes the clock matters enormously, and sometimes it doesn’t matter at all.

You really do need to make the flight. You really do need to be on the boat before it leaves the dock. You really do need to get these chicken sandwiches out of the drive-thru window as quickly as possible.

But on a cruise ship? On your way to a romantic date night with your wife, when she’s taking a few extra minutes to look beautiful for you? That’s not the time to compete against the clock.

That’s time to rest, relax, connect with the one you love, and forget the clock even exists.

Here’s your action item for this week:

I want to invite you to consider your view of time.

Set a timer for an hour this weekend and journal through these questions.

1. How did your family (and country of origin) view time growing up?

2. What impactful memories shaped your view of time in school, sports, or your first job?

3. What are some of the beliefs you picked up about time? Write down 3-5.

These next two are some of my favorite questions from my friend Bob Goff.

Take a look at those beliefs, and ask:

4. How’s that working for you?

5. How’s that working for those around you? Your spouse? Your friends? Your kids?

Finally: What’s the Adult Wisdom upgrade on that belief?

The beliefs you never examine are the ones that run your life, so take the hour. Ask the questions. Get curious about what you’ve been carrying.

You might be surprised how much lighter you feel on the other side.

To your growth,
Mike Foster

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