Hidden Culprit Behind Your Relationship Frustrations
Here it is right out the gate:
Your expectations.
Yes, your expectations of others (and their expectations of you) are the primary culprit behind your frustrations.
We all have expectations of ourselves, our spouses, our employees, and pretty much everyone around us. The problem is, these expectations live in our heads. 99% of the time we don’t communicate our expectations to anyone. We assume everyone else understands our rules, boundaries, and preferences, but they don't.
When your uncommunicated expectations clash with someone else’s, conflict ensues.
That’s why I'm going to show you how to transform your relationships by shifting from expectations to agreements.
What’s the difference?
Expectations are like little universes we create in our heads.
They're personal, unspoken, and based on our assumptions about how the world “should” work. For instance, I have an expectation that people should use headphones when watching videos in public. But here's the thing - that expectation lives only in my mind.
I have never communicated it to anyone.
Agreements, on the other hand, live out loud in the real world.
They involve clear communication between at least two parties. When we make an agreement, we are inviting others into our world, explaining our needs, and getting their commitment. It's a collaborative process that results in mutual understanding.
Think about it - how many times have you been frustrated because someone didn't meet an expectation that you never told them about?
Let’s figure out a better way.
How to Bridge the Gap to Create Healthier Relationships
1. Recognize Your Unspoken Expectations
The first step is becoming aware of what's happening in your head.
Pay attention to your feelings - they're breadcrumbs leading you to uncover your expectations. If you're feeling frustrated, disappointed, or resentful, there's likely an unmet expectation lurking beneath the surface. These emotions are your cue to dig deeper and identify what you're expecting from others.
2. Communicate Your Needs Clearly and Specifically
Vagueness is the enemy of good communication.
Once you've identified your expectation, it's time to communicate it. Be specific about what you need. Instead of expecting your partner to "be more romantic," clearly state what romance looks like to you. Maybe it's a weekly date night or a thoughtful text message in the morning.
Be open to their perspective too. They have needs and expectations just like you.
3. Create Mutual Agreements and Commitments
This is where the magic happens.
After you have communicated your needs and expectations, hash out a plan. Create a clear agreement that will serve as a win-win. The goal is to find common ground where everyone feels heard and respected.
Here's your challenge for this week:
Identify one expectation in your life and turn it into an agreement.
Maybe it's with your spouse, a friend, or a coworker. Take that expectation out of your head and bring it into the real world through clear communication and mutual agreement. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember - growth happens outside your comfort zone.
Are you ready to take this step towards healthier relationships?
Remember, an unspoken expectation is an unfair expectation.
By moving from expectations to agreements, you're not only improving your relationships, but you're also taking a huge step in your growth journey. It's time to stop living in the land of assumptions and start creating clear, mutual understanding.
Your relationships will thank you for it.
Warmly,
Mike Foster