Exposure Therapy for Your Primal Question?

Why I’m sending a copy of my book to the CEO of the Padres.

Hey friend!

Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.

Can I be blunt?

You’re not taking your Primal Question seriously enough to experience the transformation you want.

How do I know? Because I created this model. I spend hours every day coaching people with this model. I’ve certified 300 other coaches in this model. And I just discovered that, in some ways, even I wasn’t taking it seriously enough.

My Primal Question lured me into a Sophisticated Avoidance.

A few months ago, I hired an elite executive coach.

I hired him because, somewhere deep down, I sensed I was playing small, and I wanted to step into a new season of growth. At first, it seemed like it was going great. At the end of each session, I was responsible for creating a commitment — a concrete action item to execute before we met again.

My commitments were mostly around…

• Growing my coaching practice.

• Booking more speaking engagements.

• Filling the next Primal Question PRO cohort.

After each session, I honored my word and did the thing I said I was going to do.

I felt proud for keeping the commitments, but over time, my coach picked up on something. Those commitments I was “crushing”? They weren’t actually transforming anything.

That’s because every single commitment was something I already knew how to do.

I was pretending to pursue transformation, while staying squarely inside my comfort zone.

It didn’t take me long to realize what was really going on.

From the outside, it looked like I was making moves: growing my practice, certifying coaches, speaking across the country, etc. But when I took a closer look, I realized I was using all the resources at my disposal to create a life where my Primal Question never gets rattled.

That’s why I call this Sophisticated Avoidance.

It may look like self-leadership, but really, it’s a fancy form of self-protection.

My Primal Question is #1: “Am I safe?”, and it’s obvious when you look at the life I’ve built.

• I wait for clients to come to me; I never go out and chase them.

• I coach from the comfort of my home office in a quiet suburb of San Diego.

• Even with Primal Question, we stay in our little corner of the internet. I’m happy when people find us, but we don’t put much effort into getting in front of them.

Why?

Because life feels safer this way. More predictable. More within my control.

Now, you might be wondering, “Mike, why is that a problem? You built a comfortable life where you feel safe. Isn’t that the goal?” No. It’s not the goal.

Because, fundamentally, pursuing more comfort is not what I believe life is about.

I believe the point of everything is transformation.

The point of marriage. The point of parenting. The point of business. The point of our relationship with God. The point of understanding your Primal Question.

The whole point of life is to experience transformation.

Not incremental improvement, but for the old to become the new. For the caterpillar to become the butterfly. For total reinvention.

That’s why the trajectory toward a safe, comfortable life isn’t okay with me.

I’m an executive coach, after all.

My entire job is helping people transform their lives. What kind of coach am I if I’m sitting in my protected office, taking zero risks, experiencing none of it myself? Worse than that, if I continue down this path, I’m allowing my entire life to be built upon a lie about my core need.

The lie is this: “I must be in control of everything to be safe.”

So here’s what I’m doing about it…

I’m sending a copy of The Seven Primal Questions to the CEO of the Padres.

(a.k.a my favorite team in all of sports.)

Alright, I know. That might not sound like a huge risk. Shipping a book isn’t exactly skydiving. But it felt like a risk to me because I never do stuff like this. I don’t send my book to anyone. I don’t try to pitch myself or sell my stuff. I rarely ask friends for favors.

Because if I never ask, I never risk anything.

If I just take whatever comes my way, I’m in complete control of the outcome.

But to get that book on the CEO’s desk, I had to ask a mutual friend for the connection. That meant risking being seen as one of “those guys”. The guy who needs something. The guy who might be misunderstood. The guy who isn’t in control of what happens next.

I felt my Primal Question rumble, but I made the request and sent the book anyway.

And you know what it felt like? It felt thrilling.

Not because of any result that might come from it. It felt thrilling because, for the first time in a while, I did something my Primal Question was screaming at me not to do. That’s the interesting thing. The transformation is not in the outcome. It’s in taking new action.

That’s my whole strategy for this next season of my life.

Exposure Therapy for Your Primal Question

You know what happened inside me after I took the risk?

I realized the truth. I don’t have to be in control of the outcome. I am safe no matter what.

This is root-level transformation, and it only comes from exposure.

You probably already know the truth about your core need. If you’ve been around here long enough, you could recite it in your sleep: I am safe. I am loved. I am good enough.

But knowing the truth is not enough.

Your brain needs hard evidence from lived experience.

I’ve had all the right answers about safety for years. But my brain has a lifetime of experience backing up the lie — decades of shrinking to stay in control and calling it wisdom. The only way to overturn old verdicts is to collect new evidence.

And the only way to collect new evidence for your Primal Truth is to expose yourself to situations where it feels like your Primal Question is at risk.

What does your Primal Question scream at you not to do?

If your question is “Am I safe?” like mine, you might avoid anything you can’t control.

If your question is “Am I successful?”, you might avoid taking big swings. You only play games you already know you can win.

If your question is “Am I wanted?”, you might avoid new groups of people. You stick with your crew so you never risk rejection.

Whatever your question is, there’s probably something in your life that you are avoiding to protect yourself from the potential of a no.

So here’s your assignment this week:

Follow the rumble.

Notice where you feel it. The call you keep avoiding. The favor you’re not calling in. The risk you keep postponing.

Take one step toward it, and one of two things will happen. Either you’ll get a yes, which is new evidence. Or you’ll get a no and discover you’re still standing — that’s even better evidence.

Either way, you win. Either way, the lie about your need loses.

Because you don’t need an external outcome to experience internal transformation.

That’s the truth I’m building my whole next season on. The next phase of my “exposure therapy” is to grow Primal Question beyond something I can control. We have an exciting (and honestly, scary) vision for the next 3 to 5 years.

But I don’t actually care whether we hit our numbers.

What I care about more is whether, 3 to 5 years from now, I’ve broken the chains of control and risk aversion in my life. Because I know that if I change, everything around me changes.

The same is true for you.

So do the thing. Follow the rumble. Collect the evidence.

Do it until your brain transforms and finally believes what’s been true all along: You are safe. You are secure. You are loved. You are wanted. You are successful. You are good enough. You have significance.

Even when you don’t feel like it.

To your transformation,

Mike Foster

P.S. Don’t know your Primal Question? Join 200,000 others by taking the free assessment here!

P.P.S. Thanks for reading, but don’t stop there! Join the conversation by clicking “leave a comment” and share your thoughts on this idea. What’s something you’ve been avoiding? What would exposure therapy look like for you? I read all the comments, and would love to hear from you.