Ever Feel "Lost" in Client Sessions?
Rodney did, and this is the private reality of many coaches, pastors, and even licensed therapists.
“I am so inadequate here.”
That’s how Rodney used to feel in the middle of his coaching sessions.
He told me, “It’s a terrible feeling to hear people’s stories and have no idea what to do next. Inside, I’m thinking, ‘I want to serve you. I want to love you. I want to help you. But I don’t have any idea where to go next. What should I ask? What are they even talking about?’”.
He went on, “If I’m trying to think of the next question while they’re talking, I’m not really listening. And if I’m panicking inside trying to figure out my next move, I’m not able to be present and love the person in front of me.”
That’s a sobering admission, and it’s not just Rodney.
After certifying 270+ “Professional Helpers” in the Primal Question model, I’ve learned that this is the private reality of many coaches, pastors, and even licensed therapists.
They have the best intentions to help people heal, but they get lost in the conversation, unsure of where to lead the client next. It’s not for lack of education or experience, either. Rodney, for example, has his PhD in New Testament Studies. He spent a combined 32 years pastoring two different churches. He has coached, counseled, and spiritually directed people for decades.
What was missing?
Very few people are given a clear, simple framework for staying grounded in the middle of someone else’s pain — a framework that tells you, at any moment, exactly where to go next.
Instead, they default to one of two modes of listening.
When I asked Rodney what his coaching looked like before getting certified as a Primal Question Coach, he told me he had two approaches.
“One was listening to help them feel known. I would just sit there and let people talk and go deeper and deeper into their story. I would listen to help them feel valuable.”
“The other was listening for where I could give them advice. That’s what it seemed like people wanted from me, so that’s what I thought coaching was. Giving them answers to their questions.”
Neither of these instincts are bad, and there’s a time and place for each of them.
But they’re not deep enough to create real transformation.
Rodney already knew this. As a pastor, he knew, deep down, that real change wasn’t about giving people “the right answers” because the “right answers” are almost always focused on behavior modification. As he put it, “It’s not just about becoming obedient ‘non-sinners’. My version of discipleship was always focused on identity transformation. I’ve always believed we need to become who we need to be before we can do what we’re called to do.”
He had the theology, but as he transitioned from pastoring to full-time coaching, he needed the tools to coach people there.
That’s when he found the Primal Question.
Rodeny read the book, took the assessment, and joined the very first “Legacy Edition” of the Primal Question Coach Certification.
That’s when everything shifted. Rodney told me, “Before, I would hear someone’s story and have no idea what to do with it. Now I have this framework in my head, and I always know where to go. Anywhere in a coaching session, I’m not lost.”
Let me break down the framework Rodney is talking about to make this crystal clear and applicable for you.
Most coaching, counseling, and pastoring works on one of two levels. It’s either behavior-based or feelings-focused. The Primal Question is needs-based coaching.
Here’s what I mean.
Your behaviors (self-medicating, overworking, isolating, etc.) never come out of nowhere. Underneath every behavior is an emotion (sadness, guilt, shame, fear, loneliness, etc.) Dealing with each of those “layers” is important work that can create some change. It’s just that there’s one more layer.
Underneath every emotion is a belief about a need.
That belief might sound like:
I’m not safe.
I’m not lovable.
I’ll never be good enough.
In most cases, it’s a belief about your most important need in life, which I call your Primal Question. The Primal Question coaching framework gives you a map to follow the chain all the way down.
Here’s how Rodney explained it.
“I believe your Primal Question — this apex emotional need — drives your emotions, and your emotions drive your behavior. So whatever behavior a client brings me, I can help them name the feeling underneath it and trace that feeling back to the need. Once we’re there, I can help them see how they’re getting a ‘no’ to their question… and strategize how we can get them to a ‘yes.’ When that shifts, the behavior we were talking about changes. Sometimes radically.
The framework gives me peace and confidence because I always know where to go. And when I have peace, I can love the client so much better.”
I love that because that’s what this framework is all about: creating better results for every client.
Rodney is using the Primal Question to transform people’s lives.
Before I close this out, let me share one powerful testimonial he received.
A few years ago, he was leading a workshop, and he brought a couple up on stage. He coached them on their marriage for 20 minutes. Nothing crazy. Just the basics. He made sure each of them understood their own Primal Question. Then he had each spouse clearly articulate how they’d been getting a “no”… and how their spouse could start answering their Primal Question with a “yes.”
After the workshop, the couple looked at him and said, “You just solved a 20-year problem for us in 20 minutes.”
Now, I know how crazy that sounds.
A 20-year problem, solved in 20 minutes? It’s easy to write that off as a feel-good moment that fades before everyone reaches the parking lot, but here’s the part I love most. A year later, Rodney was back at that same church for another workshop.
That same couple found him again, and they told him it stuck:
“Our marriage is better than it’s been.”
That’s the power of getting to the right layer. When you stop coaching the behavior, stop coaching the emotion, and finally get down to the belief about the core need, you create change that lasts.
Do you ever feel like Rodney?
Thinking, “I am so inadequate here”, in the middle of a session?
You’re not inadequate, friend. Your heart is in the right place, and with the right tools, you have what it takes to create transformation for others. That’s all it takes.
There’s nothing particularly “special” about me or Rodney or the best coaches in the world.
The best coaches simply use the best tools.
While there are many great tools out there, the Primal Question is the best I’ve found, which is why I shifted everything to make it the foundation of my practice.
Rodney said the same: “It’s profound enough to be the foundation of your whole practice.”
If you’re interested in using this as a coach, counselor, or pastor, you need to get trained and certified as a Primal Question PRO.
Our next cohort of 30 people starts on July 6, and early registration opens on June 19.
If you have any interest, add your name to this list to get the details before everyone else.
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. Want to connect with Rodney?
After three decades in ministry, Rodney now coaches, speaks, and writes full-time.
He works with leaders and high-performers who want to bring good and beautiful things into the world. If his story struck a chord with you, reach out to him directly or inquire about having him coach you or speak to your team here.