Empty Self-Talk
Why saying your Primal Truth feels like lying to yourself, and what to do instead.
Hey friend,
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
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I hope today’s newsletter is a major turning point for many of you because every week, I get an email with some version of the same problem…
“Mike, I’ve identified my Primal Question and my Scramble, but how do I stop it? How do I stop getting triggered and making the same mistakes?”
“I’ve tried telling myself my Primal Truth, but it feels like empty self-talk. How do I actually get myself to believe it?”
“My Primal Truth is ‘I am safe.’ But my body doesn’t believe it. I can say it out loud, and it just sounds like I’m lying to myself.”
If you’ve ever sent me a message like this (or wanted to), this newsletter is for you.
First of all, I want to say, I’m sorry.
I know how hard it is to want to heal… but it feels like nothing is working. And I know from experience with my clients that, when you’ve tried every self-help tool under the sun, and you still feel stuck, it doesn’t feel like the frameworks are broken. It starts to feel like you’re the one that’s broken.
You’ve put in the time.
You’ve read the books.
You’ve taken all the assessments.
You’ve done the inner child stuff, the therapy, and the journaling.
So why do you still feel the same?
It must be because there’s something wrong with you.
Friend, that’s not true.
What I’m about to say might sound completely backwards, but I want you to hear me out.
The reason many of us feel stuck is that we’ve been told we need to believe the truth, first.
You’ve been told — by books, by therapists, by well-meaning self-help gurus — that the way to change your life is to change the way you think.
That, once you really, truly, deep-down believe you’re safe (or loved, or good enough, or whatever your Primal Question is), then the new behaviors will follow. Then you’ll stop scrambling. Then the life change will follow.
It hasn’t worked because we have the order backwards.
Our thoughts matter, for sure, but thinking isn’t enough on its own.
Today, I’m going to invite you to do the same thing I do with my clients. I want you to go grab a piece of paper and a pen. On that piece of paper…
Draw two large circles next to each other.
Write “Action” inside the left circle.
Write “Identity” inside the right circle.
Draw an arrow underneath pointing from Identity → Action.
Draw an arrow on top pointing from Action → Identity.
It should look like this:
The 2 Most Powerful Words in the English Language
The 2 most powerful words in the English language are: I AM.
Whatever follows those two words shapes your destiny. Why? Because whatever follows, “I AM”, shapes your decisions, your behaviors, your choices, your actions. And those actions produce outcomes that reinforce your identity.
Let me show you what I mean.
I’m working with a client right now whose Primal Question is Q6: Am I good enough?
He’s a leader. And for years, he believed: “I am a bad leader”. That was his “I am” statement. He didn’t say it out loud. But it was the operating system underneath everything he did.
Let’s take a look at the implications of this belief.
From that “I am” statement, a whole list of actions flowed…
He avoided hard conversations with his team.
He stayed quiet in meetings, even when he had something to say.
He second-guessed his decisions and let other people make the call.
Now, guess what those actions did?
They confirmed the “I AM” statement.
“See? I always do this. I really am a bad leader.”
The actions reinforce the identity. The reinforced identity then produces more of the same actions. And the cycle continues.
This is where most people go wrong: They think they need to convince themselves mentally — I am a good leader — before anything changes. That’s not how it works.
We don’t think our way into a new identity.
We act our way into a new identity.
So here’s what I have my clients do, and what I want you to do right now on that piece of paper in front of you. In the right circle, write the new identity you want to live from.
For my client, we would write: I am a good leader.
For you, it could be something like:
I am a present mother.
I am a great writer.
I am a transformational coach.
Or you can simply use your Primal Truth: I am safe. I am secure. I am loved. I am wanted. I am successful. I am good enough. I have purpose.
Then ask yourself one question…
What would somebody who actually believed that do right now?
Make a list.
For my client, the list looked something like this:
Speak up in the next leadership meeting, even if my voice shakes.
Have the hard conversation with the team member I’ve been avoiding.
Make the call I know is right, without checking with three other people first.
Here’s the part I have to push my clients on every single time.
Once you make the list… GO DO THOSE THINGS!
Whatever is on that list, go do it. Do it even if you don’t feel it yet. Especially if you don’t feel it yet. Because here’s what happens the second you take an action that’s aligned with the new identity — the loop starts running in the opposite direction.
The action reinforces the identity.
Your actions produce evidence of the new “I am” statement.
Slowly but surely, action by action, you build a new cycle.
The same loop that was working against you starts working for you. And one day, without ever sitting down to “convince yourself” of anything, you’ll realize you actually believe the new thing. Not because you talked yourself into it. Because you lived your way into it.
That’s how identity actually changes.
By taking action that’s rooted in the truth.
So here’s your action item for this week:
Take 30 minutes to do this exercise.
If you can’t do it right now, put it on your calendar for this weekend. Saturday morning. 30 minutes.
Draw the circles.
Write down your Primal Truth in the right circle.
Ask yourself: “What would I do (or not do) next week if I fully believed this?”
Spend 15 minutes brainstorming as many ideas as you can.
Pick 1 idea… and do it next week!
That’s it, friend.
If this is helpful, will you do me a favor?
Will you forward this to someone else who might want to try this? And let me know how it goes in the comments!
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. Quick announcement!
There’s a NEW cohort of Primal Question PRO starting on July 6.
It’s a 4-week online cohort where I train and certify you in the Primal Question model. If you want the details, add your name to the early access list. You’ll be the first to know when registration opens.