Bob Goff on Friendship and Your Primal Question

And why Bob gave his phone number to millions of people in the back of his book.

About a year ago, I had the privilege of joining my friend Bob Goff on his podcast, Dream Big.

If you know Bob, you know any conversation with him is going to be full of wisdom, laughter, and at least one wild idea (like starting a university and a Zoo at the same time in Uganda).

Watch the full episode here. Or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

In today’s newsletter, I want to highlight one piece of our conversation—one that has the power to transform how you approach friendships…

How to Cultivate Great Friendships (with the 7 Primal Questions)

Friendships can be hard. Really hard.

I think we've all felt the sting of rejection at some point.

• That moment when a friend doesn’t text back and you wonder if you did something wrong.

• The time you opened up about something vulnerable, and they didn’t quite get it.

• Or when you felt like you were the one always reaching out, but they stayed distant.

Or maybe you were the “culprit”, but you still don’t know what you did to hurt your friend’s feelings. Even with our best friends, it’s easy to step on emotional landmines we have no clue existed.

So how do you cultivate deep, lasting friendships?

What does it take to be a truly great friend?

Bob and Maria Goff have been such good friends to me and my wife, Jen. One of the reasons? They consistently answer our Primal Questions with a YES.

That’s the “secret sauce” of a great friendship.

If you’re not familiar with The Primal Question, watch this video for a quick overview.

But here’s the big idea:

Every human has a Primal Question that drives their life (whether they know it or not).
If that question is answered with a “yes,” we feel grounded and at ease in life.
If it is answered with a “no” or a “maybe,” we enter a chaotic Scramble to force it back to a yes.

I’m convinced this is the #1 determining factor of whether or not a friendship will last.

You cannot stay in a long-term relationship of any kind if the other person is consistently answering your Primal Question with a no.

Where We Go Wrong: We Assume Everyone Has the Same Primal Question as Us

Bob and I talked about our own Primal Questions.

Mine is: “Am I safe?”
Bob’s is: “Am I wanted?”

We tend to assume everyone is asking the same Primal Question we are.

For Bob, he assumes that people are asking, “Am I wanted?” just like he is.

That’s why he goes out of his way to make everyone feel included, noticed, and embraced. It’s the reason he put his phone number in the back of a book that sold MILLIONS of copies. He wants to make others feel wanted, and every time someone calls, it’s a YES to his Primal Question as well.

For me, I assume people are asking, “Am I safe?”.

That’s why I naturally try to create environments where people feel protected and secure. This is one of the reasons I became an Executive Counselor. People (even strangers) feel safe sharing their deepest pain and biggest dreams with me because my need for safety has a way of making them feel safe as well.

At first glance, this sounds like a good thing—and it is! Your Primal Question is your relational superpower.

But here’s the problem:

We can do damage if we don’t recognize that other people have different Primal Questions.

If someone’s Primal Question is “Am I successful?”, they might:

✅ Feel most connected to friends who challenge them and push them to grow.
❌ Feel misunderstood if a friend doesn’t get their drive.

If someone’s Primal Question is “Am I good enough?”, they might:

✅ Thrive in friendships where they feel affirmed and supported.
❌ Struggle with friends who joke too much about their mistakes.

That’s why we need to learn & attune to each other’s Primal Question.

Attunement means recognizing what your friend needs most and choosing to answer their Primal Question with a YES, instead of hyper-focusing on yours.

So how do you do this?

1. Identify Your Own Primal Question

Before you can build deep friendships, you have to understand yourself.

What’s the need that drives you? What makes you feel seen, valued, or connected? If you don’t know, you’ll spend your whole life hoping others will meet a need you haven’t even named for yourself.

Growth starts with you.

2. Notice Your Friends’ Primal Questions

Relationships get easier when you stop assuming everyone thinks like you do.

Each person in your life is asking a different question—one that shapes how they experience connection. Pay attention to what lights them up, what shuts them down, and what makes them feel most alive.

3. Answer Their Question With a YES

This is where the real magic happens.

When you meet a friend’s deepest need, it changes everything. There is truly no greater gift in life than answering someone’s Primal Question with a yes, and helping them feel connected and grounded.

• If their question is “Am I wanted?” → Invite them. Include them. Make sure they know they belong.

• If their question is “Do I have a purpose?” → Remind them how important they are to you, and how much you admire what they’re doing in the world.

• If their question is “Am I good enough?” → Affirm them. Celebrate them. Show them that when it comes to you, they don’t have anything to prove.

Your action step for the week:

Reach out to one close friend and ask them to take the Primal Question Assessment with you so you can better understand one another.

The more you understand yourself and the people around you, the stronger your relationships will become.

Warmly,
Mike