6 Constructs to Find Clarity in Conflict
Without constructs, we might find ourselves people-pleasing, overgiving, or taking on responsibilities that aren't ours.
What do you do when a friend harms someone in your friend group?
Do you forgive them? Do you kick them out? Do you act like nothing happened? Do you let them back in?
A few weeks ago, I helped a group of friends who were wrestling with these questions. Their group had been close for 20 years, but they were recently hurt, and hurt deeply, by another member of the group.
They felt stuck.
Do they forgive and forget?
Do they remove the person from the group?
As a faith-based community, they didn’t know what to do.
They wanted to care for the person who harmed them, but they also knew they needed to address the harm that was done. They couldn’t just let it slide. I understood their tension, but as I listened, I could hear the codependency seeping into the room.
That's when I knew it was time to bring in a construct to cut through all that confusion.
I laid it out simply: The Perpetrator Victim Construct
One person caused harm (perpetrator).
The others received it (victim).
And I asked this question: “Is it appropriate for a victim to take care of a perpetrator?”
No, it isn’t. It is never a victim’s job to take care of the person who harmed them. That is what we call codependency. Putting their situation into the frame of this construct gave them the clarity they needed to set appropriate boundaries with the person who had caused harm.
This is the power of using constructs.
A construct is like a blueprint or roadmap that helps us make sense of the roles and dynamics at play in our relationships and life circumstances.
Without constructs, we might find ourselves people-pleasing, overgiving, or taking on responsibilities that aren't ours. This can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense of powerlessness in our relationships.
With constructs, we can identify appropriate roles and behaviors.
This clarity is especially powerful when dealing with issues like codependency, where our natural inclinations can lead us astray. By applying a relevant frame, you gain the perspective needed to make healthier, more empowered decisions.
6 Constructs to Help You Move from Confusion to Clarity
Perpetrator-Victim Construct
As we already discussed there are two distinct roles: the perpetrator who caused harm, and the victim who received it.
This construct helps us understand appropriate behaviors and responsibilities. For example, it's not the victim's job to make the perpetrator feel comfortable or to alleviate the consequences of the harm caused. This can be especially helpful in situations involving betrayal, abuse, or any form of hurt.
Important note: these roles don't define a person's entire identity, but rather their position in this specific situation.
Parent-Child Construct
The Parent-Child construct often sneaks into adult relationships, creating unhealthy dynamics.
One person takes on the parent role, assuming responsibility for the other's well-being. The other, in the child role, becomes dependent and struggles to take initiative. While natural between parents and young children, this dynamic is disastrous in adult relationships. It leads to resentment, stunted growth, and lack of true partnership.
Recognizing this construct is the first step towards healthier, balanced adult-to-adult interactions.
Savior-Sinner Construct
The Savior-Sinner construct is a common trap for well-intentioned "helpers."
One person (the savior) sees themselves as responsible for rescuing or fixing the other (the sinner). This assumes some people are inherently broken and need saving. While it might feel good to be the "hero," this construct often disempowers the "sinner," leading to codependency and enabling behaviors.
A healthier approach is to "be helpful, not a hero," supporting others while respecting their autonomy.
Boss-Employee Construct
Many unknowingly live in a boss-employee construct, often in the subordinate role.
One person consistently gives orders or makes decisions, while the other follows. This happens in various relationships, not just at work. The "employee" may always defer to others, struggling to voice their needs. Over time, this can lead to resentment and powerlessness.
Recognizing this construct is crucial for creating balanced relationships where both have equal say.
Good Child-Bad Child Construct
This construct often originates in childhood but impacts adulthood.
One child feels pressure to be "good" - always achieving and meeting expectations. The other may feel labeled as the "troublemaker." This sets up unhealthy competition and can lead to perfectionism or self-sabotage, even in adulthood.
Awareness of this construct can help break free from these limiting roles, allowing authentic self-expression.
Adult-Adult Construct
The Adult-Adult construct is the gold standard for healthy relationships.
Both parties are recognized as capable, responsible adults with their own thoughts and autonomy. This promotes mutual respect, clear communication, and healthy boundaries. Neither takes a superior role; instead, there's equality and shared responsibility.
Striving for this construct leads to more fulfilling, balanced interactions and personal growth.
Now that you're familiar with these constructs, it's time to put them into action.
This week, I challenge you to:
Identify a relationship or situation where you feel stuck or confused.
Ask yourself: Which construct might be at play here?
Reflect on how this construct is serving (or not serving) you and others involved.
Consider how you might shift towards a healthier construct, like the Adult-Adult model.
Remember, constructs are tools to help you gain clarity, not boxes to limit you.
Use them to understand your patterns, but don't let them define you. The goal is always to move towards healthier, more balanced relationships where you can show up as your full, authentic self.
Warmly,
Mike Foster