Hey friend,
Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
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Quick Reminder: Mark your calendar! Our brand-new Primal Question assessment goes live this Monday, November 16. Keep an eye out for the announcement and make sure to take the new, more accurate version when it’s out!
Alright, let’s dive into this week’s topic…
The holidays are one of the hardest times of the year to talk about your needs.
It’s the season of giving, so having a need of your own can feel selfish. We spend weeks thinking about what everyone else wants: the gifts, the menu, the travel plans, the seating chart. Somewhere in all that planning, our own needs quietly fall off the list.
We tell ourselves we’ll just go with the flow and try to be “easy”, and then we wonder why we feel so frustrated by the end of the night.
Some of the biggest tension points in my marriage show up around the holidays.
Jennifer and I have been married for 31 years, and like clockwork, the holidays are when we bump into each other the most, especially around plans. And when I trace that friction back to its root, it always leads to the same place: my Primal Question.
My Primal Question is Q1: “Am I safe?”
A big part of leading myself well is knowing what that need requires. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like loose plans. I don’t like feeling stuck somewhere with no way to leave, which is why I always drive my own car. Anytime there’s uncertainty or unpredictability, my body reads it as danger, and I subconsciously brace for impact.
You can imagine how Thanksgiving goes.
Every year, I want to know the plan. Every year, there isn’t one.
“What time is everyone arriving? When are we eating? What time are we leaving?” I ask.
The answer is usually some version of: “Oh, just whenever. We’ll play it by ear. We always watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles after dinner. That’s about two hours, so I guess when we leave depends on when we start the movie.”
That doesn’t work for me.
I’ll be honest, for years I didn’t handle it well. I’d keep checking my watch. I’d hover near the door. I’d get quiet and short, and by the time we pulled out of the driveway, Jennifer and I were having the argument I’d been rehearsing in my head all evening.
When it comes to our needs during the holidays, we tend to make two mistakes.
Mistake #1: We expect people to read our minds.
We assume our needs are obvious. Then, when nobody meets them, we get frustrated with people for failing a test they didn’t know they were taking. It comes out as a sigh in the kitchen, a clipped comment at the table, or a long, silent car ride home.
But friends, let me be clear: an unspoken expectation is an unfair expectation.
Mistake #2: We belittle our own needs.
We decide our needs are too small or too inconvenient or too selfish to mention. We stuff them down, feel guilty for having them, and stay quiet and miserable. But a need that gets ignored doesn’t disappear. It goes underground and comes back out sideways.
Neither strategy works.
The truth is, it’s not your family’s job to meet your need or answer your Primal Question with a yes.
My family doesn’t know why I care so much about leaving on time. They don’t know I have a 6 AM coaching call the next morning, or that I like to be in bed at a certain time so I’m fresh for it. They don’t know about the 90-minute drive home, or that I need to be in the car by 7:30 to be home by 9 and up by 5.
It’s not their job to know. My need is my responsibility. Your need is your responsibility.
The challenge is, you’re not the only one with a need at the table.
Taking ownership of your need doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want. Your spouse, your kids, your parents, and your friends all have needs too, and your decisions impact them. Self-leadership isn’t announcing your needs and expecting everyone to fall in line.
It’s learning to bring your need to the table alongside theirs.
That’s why I want to give you…
4 Simple Steps to Negotiate Your Needs During the Holidays
Quick note: this isn’t a conversation to have with your whole extended family over mashed potatoes. It’s a conversation to have with your closest person, likely your spouse, before the day arrives. It’s what Jennifer and I have found to be a simple and helpful way to make plans that work for both of us. And these are the exact 4 steps I’m sharing with my coaching clients this time of year.
Step 1: State Your Need Clearly and Boldly
Based on your Primal Question, what do you actually want to happen?
Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t dilute it. Too often, we decide our needs are unreasonable before we ever state them out loud. We guess how the other person will react and water down our request ahead of time, so they never even hear what we truly want.
Start with the purest form of your request. State it clearly, without making it a demand and without holding it back.
Here’s mine: “I want to be in the car by 7:30.”
Step 2: Negotiate. Have the Other Person State Their Need Clearly
Now it’s their turn, and the same rules apply.
They get to state the purest form of their request, even if it directly conflicts with yours. Your job here is simply to listen. Don’t argue, don’t roll your eyes, and don’t start building your case.
Remember, their Primal Question may feel foreign to you, but their core need is just as important to them as yours is to you.
Jennifer’s Primal Question is Q3: “Am I loved?” For her, the holidays are about time with family, catching up with the cousins, and making sure everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. Leaving too early feels rude to her. So her request might be: “I want to stay until 9.”
Step 3: Commit. Find the Win-Win
Now you’ve got two honest needs on the table.
Brainstorm together until you find a solution where both of you walk away with a YES to your Primal Question. This isn’t about one person winning and the other caving. It’s two healthy adults looking for a plan that honors what each of them needs. Then make a clear commitment out loud, so there’s no confusion later.
For us, it sounds like: “Okay. The new plan is 8 o’clock.”
Step 4: Take Action. Follow Through on the Mutual Commitment
A commitment only matters if you keep it.
That means on Thursday, when the clock hits 8, we’re saying our goodbyes and heading to the car. Jennifer gets an extra half hour with her family, and I get home by 9:30, ready for my early call. Because we already agreed on the plan, nobody has to fight about it in the moment.
And follow-through goes both ways. It means I don’t start pacing by the door at 7:45, and Jennifer isn’t lingering until 8:15.
Here’s your action item for this week:
Before the holidays, sit down with your closest person and walk through these 4 steps together. Write down your purest request for the day, then let them do the same. Find the win-win, say the commitment out loud, and keep it.
Your family can’t read your mind, but once you tell them where you stand, they can meet you halfway.
To your growth,
Mike Foster
P.S. Was this helpful? If so, don’t click away without leaving a like or comment. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Also, make sure to share it with the person you need to have this conversation with.
P.P.S. Don’t forget! The brand new version of the Primal Question Assessment releases on Monday, November 16. I can’t wait for you all to see this new and improved version just in time for the holidays 🥳 🎉
This is a great tool for negotiating the holidays or any day that conflicts with your primal question.