4 Keys to Navigating Conflict
This is a superpower that will serve you in every area of life.
Conflict is part of life.
Whether it's with a spouse, a coworker, or a child, we all face challenging relational moments. As someone who's coached people from death row to corporate boardrooms, I've seen firsthand how improving our approach to conflict can transform our lives and relationships.
Let's break down four key principles that will help you navigate conflict like a pro.
Conflict Confirms That You Care
First things first, let's reframe how we think about conflict.
When you're in an argument or feeling tension with someone, remember this:
Conflict actually confirms that you care.
Think about it. People who don't care about each other don't bother to engage in conflict. They've checked out. They've given up.
So next time you find yourself in a heated discussion, take a deep breath and remind yourself: This conflict means I care and the other person cares. It means this relationship matters.
Conflict is normal. It's healthy. It puts our values and relationships on the agenda. Don't be afraid of it - lean into it.
Focus on Repair, Not the Rupture
Here's where many of us get stuck.
We obsess over the argument itself - the harsh words, the raised voices, the hurt feelings. But here's the truth:
It's not about the rupture. It's about the repair.
Ruptures happen in all relationships. The real challenge - and opportunity - is in how we come back together afterward.
As a Primal Question coach, I often help people design what repair could look like. We brainstorm ideas and create a process for reconnection.
So the next time you're dealing with conflict aftermath, shift your energy away from replaying the argument. Instead, ask yourself: "How can I repair this connection? What steps can I take to rebuild trust and understanding?"
Know the Difference Between Criticism and Feedback
In the heat of conflict, it's easy to blur the lines between criticism and feedback. But understanding the difference can be a game-changer.
Criticism takes us out of connection.
It moves us away from the other person. You can often feel it physically - a leaning back, a closing off. Criticism often looks like blame, character assassination, or overly negative statements.
Feedback, on the other hand, is about restoring the relationship.
It's about moving closer. Feedback begins with empathy and curiosity. It's collaborative, focusing on how we can improve things together.
Next time you're in a tense moment, pause and ask yourself: "Am I offering criticism or feedback right now?" Choose feedback. Choose connection.
Understand What Type of Conversation You’re Having
This last principle is often overlooked, but it's crucial. Many conflicts arise simply because we're not on the same page about what kind of conversation we're having with the other person.
I break it down into three categories:
Help Conversation: This is a practical, solution-focused discussion. You're looking for tangible advice, feedback, or problem-solving strategies. In a help conversation, you might say, "I really want to make sure we're talking about the right things here. I'm looking for some pragmatic, solution-based feedback." This type of conversation is perfect when you need concrete steps to move forward.
Hug Conversation: This is an emotional conversation where the focus is on feelings rather than solutions. In a hug conversation, you want to express and validate emotions. You might say, "I just need to talk about how I'm feeling right now. I'm not looking for solutions, just understanding." This type of conversation is essential for emotional connection and support.
Heard Conversation: The goal is simply to be heard, to get something off your chest, to feel known and seen. In a heard conversation, you're not seeking emotional support or practical solutions - you just want to express yourself. You might say, "I just need to vent for a moment. You don't need to fix anything or even respond, I just want to feel heard." This type of conversation answers the question "Who am I?" and fulfills our need to be known.
Many conflicts occur because one person is trying to have a "help" conversation while the other needs a "hug" conversation. Or someone just wants to be heard, but their partner keeps trying to solve the problem.
Before diving into a potentially challenging conversation, take a moment to clarify: "What kind of conversation do we need right now?"
Bringing It All Together
As you work on improving your conflict navigation skills, remember:
Conflict means you care.
Focus on repair, not just the rupture.
Choose feedback over criticism.
Clarify what type of conversation you're having.
By mastering these four keys, you'll be well on your way to healthier, more productive conflicts. And trust me, that's a superpower that will serve you well in every area of life.
Keep growing, keep learning, and never stop working on becoming the healthiest version of yourself.
Warmly,
Mike Foster