3 Simple Styles to Speak Anyone's Language
If you want your words to connect, pause for 3 seconds and consider this in any conversation.
Hey! Welcome back to the Primal Question Newsletter.
My name is Mike Foster. If you’re new around here, I’m an Executive Coach who works with all sorts of world changers, from Navy SEALs to reality stars to nonprofit founders to executives of billion-dollar companies. I’m the creator of The Seven Primal Questions, a revolutionary new model for transforming your life.
If this is your first time reading, subscribe here to get helpful tips each week.
Today, I want to show you…
How to Communicate Effectively With Anyone (Based on Their Primal Question)
I’ve been thinking a lot about the next phase of the Primal Question.
Really, how to help you move from concept to application.
To be honest, who cares if I’m a Q1 who needs safety? Who cares if you’re a Q7 who needs a sense of purpose? It doesn’t really matter if we know it, unless we choose to DO something with it. Awareness is a good first step, but I consider knowledge to be overvalued. That’s why we have so many people out here struggling with what I call “Infobesity”.
All talk, no action.
When are we going to stop playing the part of a “self-aware” person and start using this stuff to actually transform our lives?
The answer is today.
And it all starts with our communication.
The problem is, we’re all missing each other.
You're talking, they're listening, but somehow you're not connecting. The message isn’t landing the way you thought it would. You think you're being helpful, but they feel dismissed. You think you’re being encouraging, but they feel pressured.
You both walk away feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
Why does this happen so much?
Because we communicate based on our own Primal Question. We naturally speak the language that would motivate us, comfort us, or inspire us. If you're a Q1 person who needs safety, you instinctively try to help others by offering security and stability. If you're a Q7 person driven by purpose, you naturally communicate about meaning and impact and world change.
It’s the way you’re wired, but the wires are getting crossed because (newsflash) you’re not communicating with yourself all the time.
Here are some examples of how we miss each other:
A Q1 (safety) person doesn't want to hear about how they need to take big risks.
A Q2 (security) person won't be inspired by the idea of quitting their job to chase their dreams
A Q5 (success) person doesn't want to slow down and "just enjoy the process"
A Q7 (purpose) person doesn't care about considering the “safer” option
If you’ve been following my work for a while, you already know this.
You get the idea. You know you should communicate with people based on their Primal Question. But the reality is, sometimes it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what someone’s Primal Question is.
Are they focused on “safety” or “security”?
Are they trying to be “successful” or “good enough”?
What’s the difference again?
Here's what I've figured out after months of working on this problem.
You don’t have to get it perfect to improve your communication. You don't need to know someone's exact Primal Question. You can make massive improvements if you just get it in the right ballpark.
That’s why I’ve come up with…
3 Simple Styles to Speak Anyone's Language
Style #1: The Shepherd
This is the communication style you should use with Q1 (Am I safe?) & Q2 (Am I secure?).
Quick Tip: Before proposing any idea or change, lead with clarity and give them options. Say something like "Here's what I'm thinking, but I want to know what feels right to you," and then outline a clear path forward that they can have some control over.
They Need: Safety & Security
They’re listening for:
Slow/Calm. Predictability. Choice. Control.
Say things like:
“What do you desire?”
“Let’s define an outcome that makes sense to you.”
“Let me restate and make sure we’re aligned here.”
Avoid:
Surprises, vagueness, and emotional pressure.
If you don’t:
They brace, shut down, or start controlling everything.
Bottom line: Kindly guide them with clarity and give them some control.
Style #2: The Counselor
This is the communication style you should use with Q3 (Am I loved?) & Q4 (Am I wanted?).
Quick Tip: Start conversations by acknowledging them as a person before diving into business. Take time to ask how they're doing and actually listen to the answer. They need to feel seen, valued, and connected before they can engage with anything else you want to discuss.
They Need: Belonging & Connection
They’re listening for:
Presence. Inclusion/Attunement. Chosen-ness. Heart talk vs head talk.
Say things like:
“I see you. I’m here.”
“You’re invited, not just needed.”
“I want to hear what you think.”
“What you’re feeling is valid.”
Avoid:
Surface talk. Cold, dismissive tone. Replying, but not relating. Persuasive salesy talk. Taking off on your own story.
If you don’t:
They shape-shift, shut down, or slip away.
Bottom line: Focus on the bond. They need to feel your heart before they'll hear your words.
Style #3: The Coach
This is the communication style you should use with Q5 (Am I successful?), Q6 (Am I good enough?), and Q7 (Do I have a purpose?).
Quick Tip: Frame everything in terms of their potential and impact rather than just tasks or requirements. Instead of saying, "We need this done by Friday," try, "I'm giving this to you because I know you'll knock it out of the park. Your work will make a huge difference here."
They Need: Worth & Achievement
They’re listening for:
Worth. Identity. Impact.
Say things like:
“This is what I see in you.”
“You have my respect.”
Avoid:
Generic praise. Dismissive feedback.
If you don’t:
They posture, self-promote, or armor up.
Bottom line: Show them they’re capable of greatness. They have what it takes, and their contribution matters.
That’s it!
Those are the 3 communication styles.
You don't have to get it perfect. Just get it close. The goal is to avoid communicating to a Q1 (Am I safe?) person with Q7 (Do I have a purpose?) language. They’re not going to be psyched about the mission trip to the war-torn country you’re trying to invite them to.
Identify which of these 3 buckets they fall into, and communicate with them as Shepherd, Counselor, or Coach.
Your Action Item This Week:
Pick one important person in your life.
Your spouse, a team member, or a close friend. Ask yourself which of the three categories they fall into. Then, for one week, try communicating with them using that style. Pay attention to how they respond differently when you match their communication needs.
I hope this helps you stop missing each other and start connecting on a deeper level.
Warmly,
Mike Foster
P.S. The new Primal Question Coach Certification is right around the corner. If you’re not on the waitlist, sign up here.
This is such a helpful framework, and I’m thinking of it in light of how to speak to my children too! Thank you.